


I’d wait a lifetime

by beeluv



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, FuckBoy Mingi but maybe not?, Hongjoong/Yunho, I Don't Even Know, KangYeosang is a little shit, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Seonghwa, Yunho is a baby boy, soft hongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2020-12-14 21:01:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeluv/pseuds/beeluv
Summary: For as long as he could remember, Hongjoong has been in love with Seonghwa. For twenty years Hongjoong has kept his secret, too scared to lose his best friend. When it all becomes too much for him, his confession may just turn their worlds upside down in the best way possible.





	1. Fine piece of Ass

* * *

You ever have that sound so sickening that your ears may just bleed and fall right off your body? It makes the hairs on your arms stand and your stomach drop. It’s something akin to fingernails being dragged down a chalkboard or a metal knife on a ceramic plate. A sound you surely should be use to after hearing it for the millionth time. What is that sound? For me it’s my best friend being fucked into next week, that very best friend I happen to have been in love with since I was four. I bury myself deeper into the blankets just that little more even though I physically can’t go any further. I honestly don’t know how I manage it anymore, I, music director, singer and songwriter to be Kim Hongjoong can just lay there listening to the sound of his best friend, the person he loves most in this world get split open. I’ve always been somewhat of a sadist but this is pushing my limit. You maybe asking why? Why I let this happen? Why don’t I just express my feelings? Shoot my shot? The answer is that I’m a weak piece of shit and the thought of not having Park Seonghwa in my life at all hurts more. Seonghwa has been there for me since the moment we met. All those years ago in the playground in our estate. Our moms became friends so naturally we did too, Seonghwa helping me through some of the toughest times of my life. When my dad left my Mom and I, he was there. When I started to get bullied at school, he was there and when I finally came to the realisation that I like men, Seonghwa was the first person I needed to tell. There was never a time where I had to question if he had my back or not. He was the brother I wished for and just like the angel that he is, God gave him to me. I rip the blankets off of me and as quietly as I can I storm out of our shared apartment. I grab my jacket and slowly shut the front door because even though I was sweating bullets back there, the cool nights air sends a chill down my spine. 1 am in the morning and I just walk, down the street, around the block, I sit at a park for a while and before I know it my phone vibrates in my pocket. where are you Joong? Are you okay?” it says and I sigh as I read and then reread it “I went to San’s, Park, enjoy your night” is all I send back and I look up at the black sky. Rubbing my neck, I stand up and begin walking again and I feel my phone vibrate. I don’t even have to look at it to know what he has replied but because we’ve already discussed how much I enjoy inflicting pain on myself I take out my phone. “goodnight Joongie, I love you”. My hands sweat as I read the four letters but not returning any words. I never do, that’s always been something so difficult for me to say and I wonder if Seonghwa has ever wondered why. I eventually walk up the small cobble path and knock softly, it takes a few minutes but the wooden door opens slowly, revealing a very tired looking San with an abundance of pity on his beautiful face that is directed to yours truly. “Come on baby” he opens his arms and like the loser I am I fall right into them, embracing the familiar calming scent of my other best friend. Choi San. San came years later but when he did, it felt like he was always meant to be there, like he completed our tiny circle that was Hongjoong, Seonghwa and San. “Wooyoung is sleeping, come lets watch a movie” San leads me to the lounge room, he never discusses anything and I’m grateful, he just knows. “Thank you, Sannie” I say and he just rolls his eyes at me.  
I roll over and the sun violently abuses my eyeballs like a bullet to the heart and I groan, knowing exactly who’s to blame. “Seonghwa you bastard” I ground out with my gravelly morning voice “good morning my sunshine, up and at em Mr music director. There’s movies out there that need your music” he prances around using his sweet voice and I throw daggers at him, he is the reason why I couldn’t sleep until so late after all. “Sorry Joongie, he promised breakfast” San opens the bathroom door and he’s stood there with just a towel around his waist and I glare at the food whore “whatever, I’m up” I go into the bathroom and San looks at me funny and I roll my eyes and motion for him to continue “it’s not like I haven’t seen it all before San-ah. Continue” he rolls his eyes now and puts some product in his hair “nervous?” He asks and I nod my head almost violently “like you can’t imagine, I’ve got some massive meetings today, we need to get this deal” I twist my hands and San sighs “you’re the youngest music producer in the company Hongjoong and already so respected. I wish you’d give yourself more credit” he says and I smile at him gratefully “you always know the right things to say huh? Thank you San, for your words and for the couch, I appreciate it”.  
“Where’s Wooyoung?” I ask as we leave the bathroom and Seonghwa is just playing the food. San already has his mouth around a pancake “work. Early” he says that I can barley understand. The front door opens and Yeosang walks through and greets his brother with a slap on the back and San almost chokes on his food but decides on shoving another piece of toast in his mouth rather than throttling his little brother “morning hyung’s” he says and takes the food out of Seonghwa’s hands and the older passes it over happily. I roll my eyes, the mother in Hwa appears when the younger is around, even if he is being a turd. “Oh hyung” he says and the three of us turn to Yeosang but he’s looking at Seonghwa “I went to yours and Joong-hyung’s first and saw a fine piece of meat walking out of your door” he says and now I’m the one almost choking. Seonghwa’s ears burn, I can almost feel the heat and San smacks his little brother. Me? I’m pushing around the food on my plate, wishing I could just melt away. “Shut up little one, don’t be jealous” Seonghwa says and my eyes go to him, the smug in his voice punctures. The rest of the morning is made in relative silence thank goodness. I’m honestly used to it, Seonghwa has had many partners since he came out a few years ago. I just didn’t realise how many until we moved in together after college. It’s been over a year and hasn’t gotten one bit easier. “Hongjoong” I snap out of myself at the sound of my voice “lunch? You busy? I’ll come to your office” Seonghwa says and I smile “of course, just message when your there”  
The meetings go better than perfect and we land the deal. I’m over the moon, the whole office is buzzing and I seriously can’t wait to tell Seonghwa. I pull my phone out and message him straight away *your boy just landed the biggest role of his career so far* I send with a stupid smile on my face. *Yes BABY, I knew you could do it. Get your ass down, I’m here* I rush down to the lobby like a school girl. My heart beats faster as soon as I spot him “youngest music director in the country everybody” he yells and I roll my eyes. He pulls me into his arms, home. Honestly Seonghwa just feels like home. He whispers at my ear “I’m so proud of you” my heart stalls for a moment when he squeezes me that little much tighter, I pull back and look at him but something moves on my right and I freeze, low and behold it’s ‘fine piece of meat’ from last night standing right in front of me. Trust me, when I tell you my face, stomach, ass and heart drop. I was returned to reality real fucking quick, I clear my throat and I’m honestly just trying to push back tears. “Oh right, Joongie, this is Jaewon. Wonnie, this is my best friend Hongjoong” Seonghwa says with his whole chest and blood rushes to my ears. _Wonnie.. Best friend... _  
I stand there with my ass in my throat while Jaewon bows and extends a hand “congratulations and nice too meet you” he says politely and I mutter a thank you back. I really don’t know what to do right now, this has never happened before. Prior to right now they’ve all been just hookups so Seonghwa has never had the need to introduce me but the fact that this is happening right now means that whatever is going on, it means something to him and that absolutely breaks my heart.

I finally turn to Seonghwa and I’m afraid of what he’ll say on my face. Apparently I’m a better actor than I thought because his beautiful face never falters, his bright eyes with a small apology in them because he knows I hate being put on the spot never dulls because he’s so excited to introduce his boyfriend? To his best friend. I can so easily tell how nervous he is and that is ultimately the reason I cage my raging heart and act like a best friend would. “You’ve caught me off guard I’m sorry” I say and they both laugh while I try not to cry. “Park, this has never happened before, I’m shocked” his whole face radiates and my heart roars. Seonghwa reaches for Jaewon’s hand and my nose twitches, a tell tale I need to get out of here right now. “I know Joongie, I’m sorry I just really wanted you to meet him. I invited Wonnie too lunch, I hope that’s cool”. Jaewon saddles right up next to Seonghwa and I’m not okay “I’m sorry Hwa, I can’t make lunch. Now that the deal has gone through the bosses want to start right away” I lie through my teeth. “Oh?” He says disappointed “don’t worry we’ll celebrate tonight” he says and I nod “of course, you two go and enjoy lunch” I’m going to go and die. I watch them leave hand in hand and I find the nearest bathroom to being up the breakfast Park made me.

I leave work right away and go home to pack a bag. I feel like I can’t breathe and I need my Mom. My throat itches the entire drive to Daegu. I left a message on Seonghwa’s door explaining where I went and considering he’s called 3 times now, he’s read and probably wondering why. SAN’s name comes through my speaker and I take a deep breath. “Joongie” is all he says and a damn tear runs down my face “he told me he introduced you to someone and now can’t get a hold of you. I’m sorry” he says sadly and a let out a cynical laugh. “You have nothing to be sorry for San-ah. I just need to go and spend a couple of days away. With Mom” I say and he’s quiet for a moment “yeah okay, that’s sounds like a really good idea. Let me know when you get there and ring me tonight” I nod and then remember we’re on the phone “I will” he’s quiet again and I kind of just want to hang up. “You can’t live like this anymore Joong, please it’s killing me to see you so unhappy” only Hongjoong could find friends more emotional than he is “I’m okay San, truly. I’m a big boy, you don’t have to worry so much. Go be happy with your fiancé” I say a little too bitter and I pinch my eyes shut when San goes quiet again “I’ll give you a call tonight Sannie” I say quietly and just as quietly he mutters “okay, be safe, I love you”.  
Finally I pull into my mothers drive way and she’s head first in her plants, her pride and joy. Besides me of course, she looks up confused at her visitor “oh? My baby” she says and I can’t move fast enough. She takes off her gloves just as I take her into my arms “oh” she’s surprised and pats my back “Joong?” She says with a little worry and I shake my head, my face smushed in her neck “Hi Mom” I sniff “my baby” she whispers and I completely lose it.  
I wake up feeling completely content and I stare at the ceiling of my childhood bedroom, I smile when I hear Mums tiny little footsteps shuffling around downstairs. I turn my head and look straight out of the window. I sometimes wondered why I ever left this place, there’s a knock at my door and Mom pokes her head through “good morning Mom”. I get up and help Mom with the morning chores. “Do you want to come to the shop with me today?” She asks and I nod happily. I pocket my phone, knowing there’s a million messages and I grab my laptop as I walk out of the door, I really just want to spend the day with my mother.  
Life has been so crazy lately that I haven’t had a chance to stop and really smell the flowers, which is what I do the second I walk into Moms flower shop. Maybe coming here was not a great idea to begin with because ‘Blooming Maybe’ is my childhood and as memories rush to the surface of me running through the shop, through all of the stem clippings, thorns and mulch, there’s always a little black haired Seonghwa right there with me. I shake my head and notice Mom looking at me with that look only Moms seem to have and it makes my heart beat “put me to work Mumma, what’s the point of have such a muscular son if you can’t use him?” I say in hopes of clearing the dense air. I know Mom is dying to know the reason for the sudden visit, hell I think she already does know but I’m not ready for the conversation. “You’re going to regret saying that, son” she says smiling and we both laugh. I’m not laughing three hours later when my entire body is in pain “are you trying to kill your only son?” I joke and Mom throws her head back and laughs, beautiful “but you so muscular” she teases right back and takes me in her arms and I breath in her scent. “I miss you so much Mom” I say when it gets too quiet and in the middle of the room covered in sunflower clippings a mother tightens her arms around her son “I miss you too baby”.  
I spend the weekend doing absolutely nothing and just spending all the time I can with Mom, my phone has all but been left untouched, except for the occasional call into work. The lawyers are working on the details for the movie deal and my boss has given me permission to work from home for the week. It’s Sunday night and we are both wrapped up in blankets in front of the tv. “Joong, just tell me you are okay” Mom says quietly from beside me and I look over to the woman who made me who I am “I’m okay Mom, I’m more than okay” I reach for her hand and she smiles “how’s Seonghwa?” She asks and my stomach drops “ahh, my darling boy” she says as she gets the answer to her unanswered question. “I’m so dumb Mom” I say pitifully and she slaps me softly “you are not dumb my darling, you are in love. I’ve known for years by the way, you are truly your mother’s son. We can’t keep our emotions at bay for shit” she says and I give her a watery smile “talk to me” she says and I suddenly contract verbal diarrhoea and I just can’t stop the onslaught.

  
_I run to Seonghwa’s as fast as my 6 year old legs will carry me. The short run between our buildings feel 10000 miles away and I can’t get there fast enough. Little tears running down my face, I see Seonghwa playing outside of his house “Joongie?” He says and rushes to me “what’s happened?” And I just cry harder “my Dads gone Seongie, he just left. He doesn’t want to be my dad anymore” I cry and Seonghwa takes me into his bigger arms, shocked and confused. “Shh Joong, it’ll be okay. Trust me okay, I’ll protect you from now and and besides we can share my dad”_.  
And that’s the first time I fell in love with Park Seonghwa. Mum smiles sadly at the memories “I found you like that. Seonghwa rocking you back and forth, I was so mad at you for running out of the house but as soon as I saw you with Seongie I just stopped” Mom says and I look at her “tell me how to stop this Mom, I can’t do it anymore” I say completely exhausted and Moms eyes turn down. “You can’t stop it Joong, that’s not how love works. Seonghwa has been such a huge part of your life for so long, it’s not something you can just forget. I raised you to use your emotions and not hide them and it breaks my heart that you have had to for so long” she pauses and I hold my breath “it’ll get easier my love, you care so strongly about him and I know it’s the exact same for Seonghwa but it’ll just take some time. Someone truly worthy, who deserves to have every inch of your heart will appear one day, this person will return every ounce of love you pour out with such force it’ll shake your entire world”  
Mother’s words swirl around my head and I repeat them over and over, feeling so overwhelmed. What if this entire time I have missed this person because I’ve been so caught up with Park? My phone rings right beside my ear and I shit myself, picking it up without looking. “Well fuck me, you actually answered. Here I was thinking that you might be dead in a ditch some fucking where” he says frustrated, running out of breath and my heart picks up. “I’m sorry Seongie” I apologise and squeeze my eyes shut “don’t apologise Hongjoong, tell me what the fuck is wrong so I can fix it for you” Seonghwa says and my whole being falters. “You can’t fix this one, Park, trust me. I’m okay, I promise. I just need to spend a few days out of my head, I’ll be back Friday” I say and I can hear him just breathing on the other end “Friday? It’s Sunday now, seriously Hongjoong come home” he says and I stop breathing. Home. “I am home, Seonghwa” it just slips out of my mouth and I swallow, feeling like small shards of grass trickling down my throat and I don’t hear a sound from him.  
The next day I meet Mum at the flower shop, Seonghwa’s words still rolling around in my head come home. I walk in and hear her talking to someone in the shop “you’re early this week Yunho darling, I’m sorry I won’t be a minute” she says and I look around searching “don’t rush, Ms Kim. My mother has been hassling me all weekend for your sunflowers” a voice comes as I walk deeper into the shop “your mother sounds like my son, he goes wild for them” she says and I smile rounding the corner ready to jump out before she tells anymore stories, only it’s not Mom I run into. It’s the owner of the voice, I freeze but the world has other plans for me and my body propels forwards. The stranger drops everything in his hands and replaces it with my body, my heart beats alarmingly and I stare at the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. His shocked eyes captivate me and his hands feel huge around my waist, his fingers landing on exposed skin on my hips, why do they feel so much like Seongie’s? On that thought my breath catches and Mother gasps “I’m so sorry” I apologise and finally gather enough strength to get out of his arms and I scurry toward the office with my heart beating outside my chest. What the fuck was that?


	2. You know you have to call me Hyung now right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I belted this chapter out on my night shift, I really wanted these chapters longer but it’s just not working out that way. Anyway enjoy!!

So like the weak man I am, I stay completely hidden until he leaves. I shiver, replaying the scene over and over in my head. What the hell just happened? “He’s gone, love” Mom pokes her head into the office and my cheeks heat and she smiles “eeesh I know this isn’t the first time you’ve been in a handsome mans arms. Knock it off” she laughs and my embarrassment grows even deeper. “I have so many questions Mom but I’d like to start off with, why the heck have you not told me about him?” I scoff and wait for her answer. He’s obviously a regular, handsome as hell and he collects the flowers for his mother. What is this woman doing? He sounds like the perfect son in law. “He’s got a boyfriend babe” she says and I pout, well there goes that. Mom just laughs even harder at my face “come on baby, let’s pack up early today and go out for dinner”. It’s honestly so nice just to be able to go out with my Mom, she gave up everything for me, to raise me and put me through school, to make sure I had everything that I possibly needed, Mom sacrificed so much for me “stop looking at me like that kid, I know that face and I don’t really want to cry right now” she says and I smile “thanks Mom, honestly, thank you” I reach and grab her hand and she squeezes it “you were my reason to get up every morning, watching you grow into the man you are today has been the biggest gift I could ever receive”. Surely she knows that I’m only the person I am today because of her. “Hi, are you ready to… oh?” Mom and I both look to the waiter and my eyes pop before I look back at Mom. Her little smirk is sitting proud on her face “hello ma’am” the waiter bows and I let go of the traitors hand and lean back in my chair as the handsome man looks over to me. “Yunho, this is my Son Hongjoong. Hongjoong, this is Yunho” she introduces him and I wonder what is going through her head “nice to meet you Yunho, I apologise once again for today. I have a habit of not watching where I’m going” a habit that has lead me to a few of my demises. I watch as the light haired boys cheeks tint a little and I squint my eyes, he’s cute. “I’m glad I could be of service, you were heading straight into the sunflowers and I’d rather die before them” he says and I’m surprised by the laugh that comes out of my mouth, so he’s funny too. “Well on behalf of sunflowers everywhere, thank you sir” I say and I suddenly hear my own voice, I’m fucking flirting. The weird thing is, is that I think he is too. We order and I swear my eyes unconsciously follow him around the room, his puppy like behaviour has the whole restaurant eating out of his palm, literally. “Stop staring Joong” Mom warns and I tear my eyes away from him “you’re something else Mom” I say and she pokes her tongue out at me. “I was kind of lying before” she admitted and I’m suspicious again “about Yunho dating. There’s talk around town that it’s nothing serious. I’m in a book club with his Mom” she mentions and I roll my eyes at that, of course she is. I swear every Mom in this town is in a ‘book club’ together. “With Mingi” she says and I choke on my ice water “Song Mingi?” I ask and she nods “how’d he get caught up in that?” I ask while flashes of sweat slicked skin, fiery red hair, and my back being pushed up against the locker room wall abuse my mind. “It’s been going on a while but you know how Mingi’s Dad is and you especially know how Mingi is” she says and I shake my head, trying to clear it. It has been so long since I’ve thought about Song Mingi and that’s the way I wanted it. Hearing it right now brings an onslaught of memories back and my head swims. I met Mingi in our eleventh grade and I was enamoured by him. The very first glimpse I caught of him knocked the breath out of me, the new kid who everyone already new. Senator Song’s only son, everyone wanted a piece of him and so did I. He took care of me so well, treated me like I was the only thing that mattered to him and I gave him something I wanted to hold onto. Yup, I gave him my virginity in the bathroom of the filthy locker room, how cliché is that? Mingi was amazing though, he handled me like the piece of fine China I felt like. It all went to shit after that of course, the senators only son couldn’t be a homo, of course not. So there I stood, all of 17 years old questioning my worth when he dumped me as soon as he finished. I didn’t blame Mingi though, not knowing what an asshole his father was. Seonghwa found me in the locker room, crying on the floor. He took one look at me before taking me into his arms. _“I’m going to kill that fucker”_ I can still feel now how his whole body vibrated with anger. Mum doesn’t know the full extent of what happened with Mingi, I refused to tell my mother how weak her son really was. I blink when food is placed in front of me and then Yunho comes into vision and I frown. Does he treat him better? Does he treat him like human at least? He places another plate down and turns his face towards me, not knowing just how close we are. We both kind of freeze, he’s so close I can feel the breath on my face. I kind of just want to run my fingers through his hair. My nose itches and Yunho blinks and straightens, passing Mother her food “thank you darling” he bows and hurried off and I’m left in a puddle of confusion. Being so close to him and looking right into his eyes showed me everything I needed to know. I walk hand in hand with Mom and I’ve never been more clear headed, the thought of having to return to reality in a couple of days really frightened me. Mom squeezes her arm tighter around mine. “Just you wait my love, everything will work out. God has a funny way of making everything okay. Sometimes we just need to struggle a little” I ponder quietly “why do we have to struggle? We are just trying to make it through life without getting burnt too much, yet we still don’t make it unscathed” I say and Mom looks at my side profile “nothing great ever came easy baby. A rainbow only ever shows after shit weather. Your father left but I had the absolute pleasure watching you grow all to myself. You just gotta take the bad but trust me when the good comes along, it’s amazing” I ended up dropping Mom at home, I needed to clear my head. I’ve been walking for a little while and sigh when I spot a corner store. I grab a couple of cans out of the fridge and turn to shut the door when I run smack bang into a hard chest. “Three times in one day, I have to stop calling this a coincidence now” I know that voice. I slowly peel my eyes open and yep, Jeong Yunho stands before me. “Care for a drink then?” I hold up a can “were practically best friends now” I say and he just laughs “well I have already cradled you in my arms, so what the heck” he says and I almost choke on my own saliva. It’s weird how things just happen, maybe I’m just one sick joke to god. The two of us sit at the front of the store “so” we both say at the same time and the awkwardness crackles and I motion for him to continue “so, you’re the florists son?” He says and I smile into my drink, I can’t positively announce that I’ve never been addressed at the florists son before. “That’s me and you’re the florists customer slash waiter?” I smirk at him and he smirks right back “that’s me”. I have a feeling he’s so much more. “I knew I was older” I say loud and proud, opening another can “yeah, yeah. Only by a couple of months, calm down” Yunho rolls his eyes. I stretch back in my chair, smug “you know that means you have to call me hyung right?” I say and he looks over at me in deep thoughtful “hmm, I’ve never had to call someone smaller than me hyung before” he says and I knock him in the shin and he throws his head back laughing and I swallow, he really is beautiful. “You know back there at the restaurant, everyone could not stop staring at you” I say and he stops laughing and looks at me. I couldn’t stop staring at you. He shrugs and smiles to himself “I’m a people person. I love everyone and I seem to make people smile. I want to be that somebody for everyone you know? That person you can count on to always make you happy, even if it’s for a brief moment. Do you have someone like that?” He asks and my head becomes heavy. I do, I do have someone like that. Seonghwa. He can make me smile in a mass fit of rage, when I want to tear something apart, he just takes my hand and starts dancing with me. When my grandma died and and Mum checked out for a short while, he was always there to make me laugh. Even when I wanted to stab him, I’d just give into him and smile at his dumb antics. “Ahh do you do” he nods at me and throws back the rest of his drink. Why’d that sound so sad? “What about you then?” He looks at me confused like why would I even ask that question and my heart hurts a little “huh?” He asks and I look at him truly “you’re always the one to make others happy, that’s blatantly clear so who’s the one to make you smile?” I ask and he just leans back in his chair never breaking eye contact “you know you’re the only person to ever ask me. So I’m afraid I’m a little stumped” and that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. “Favourite colour, go” he says and I roll my eyes “green, any siblings?” I fire back “two little sisters, children?” He shoots out and I laugh “I’m 24 and gay so no. Girlfriend? Wife?” I ask knowing damn well he’s got no wife but I’m living for the smile on his face right now “I’m 23 and gay so no” he says and we both giggle like little school girls. “I knew my gaydar was spot on” he admits and my cheeks colour, thank god I can blame it on the alcohol “is it really that obvious?” I ask honestly “hmm, well no not really. It’s just that I’m that good” he says and then giggles again. He pulls out his phone and frowns at it and a small “oh” comes from it. “Everything okay?” I ask and he nods “yeah my.. someone is coming to get me. I didn’t realise the time, I’m sorry” he looks up at me and pouts and my heart might just flip a little. “It’s fine honestly, I should be the one apologising, you must be exhausted…” I say just as someone pulls up right in front of us and we both turn along with my stomach. Yunho jumps up, looks around suspiciously before hurrying to his guest. Song Mingi hasn’t changed one damn bit, looks just as handsome, just as dangerous as he did all those years ago. “Hey babe” Yunho says as just about jumps in Mingi’s arms and Mingi freezes. He looks around just like Yunho did before allowing himself to touch Yunho and my mood sours, cat must be still in the closet. It’s too late for me to run at this point so I straighten my back and push down the vomit wanting to come up as they walk towards me. I love how I can pin point the exact moment he recognises me, his step falters and his eyes turn down “Mingi, this is who I was telling you about today, the guy at the florist, Hyung..” Yunho says, kind of babbling and I step towards them “Hongjoong, nice too meet you. You’re a lucky man, Yunho is something else” I say and reach out my hand, Mingi looks at it and then up to my eyes a few times before he cautiously clasps hands with mine. I never thought Song Mingi would ever have contact with me again, Yunho cuddles into Mingi’s side and my nose starts to itch. I drill holes into his eyes and I can tell he wants to say something, anything but I give my head a sharp no. Anything he could’ve said should’ve been done years ago. “I’m gonna head off, get home safely alright” I say to Yunho “oh? Do you need a lift?” He asks but I’m already backing away “I’m okay, have a good night” I say, my eyes never leaving Mingi. There’s nothing quite like walking home almost at the crack of dawn, just as the sun is peeping through the night sky. I find the closest bench to lie down on and stare at the greyish sky up above. Times like this you can really reflect on your life, when there’s no outside factors, just you and your heart. I often think of how my life could’ve been if my Father didn’t leave me but then I think about the amount of love and respect I have for my mother trumps everything else in my life and there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to see the smile on her face. I also often think about how my life would be if I never found Seonghwa but then I feel the absolute gaping hole I would have without him, so many parts of my life are also Seonghwa’s. Somewhere in between all of the years my life stop becoming just mine, it became ours and I just know within an inch of my life that if I could only ever have Seonghwa as a friend, I’d be okay. A tear runs down the side of my face just as the sun rises and I pull out my phone. _“I miss you”_ I press send before I even have a chance to think about it. The bubble pops up and my heart is in my throat, of course he would be awake right now. I close my eyes just as the soft notification comes through. I inhale the fresh morning breeze and slowly open my eyes “_I miss you too”. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaaah okay. Please be honest with me? I hate leaving on cliffhangers because personally I hate cliffhangers so I’m bummed that I have done it twice now. Please bare with me. Also I’m really digging Yunho and Joong together! Which was not supposed to happen :< anyway leave a comment or don’t, just enjoy


	3. I’ll love you more and more every single day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another night shift y’all, sorry for any mistakes lying around

* * *

I go home the day after tomorrow and I honestly feel so good. It’s almost like something has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so free, I’m ready to go home even though I didn’t hear anything else from Seonghwa and I’m not sure what I was exactly wanting from him. Seonghwa just doesn’t reciprocate my feelings and that’s something I need to deal with on my own. This time away really cemented the fact that Seongie is apart of my life and he always will be but it also showed me that I deserve to be truly loved and that I might just be capable of it, I just need to figure out a way to ease my feelings a little. Mom is delivering all day today and refused my help so I’m just sat in our house doing nothing. I scroll through my phone and my eyes see a new number and memories from the night before flashes behind my eyes. Drunken Yunho clumsily pushing his number into my phone with a promise to meet again. I start typing before I can even think about it “Yunho right?” I send and then curse myself but the phone vibrates in my hand “depending on who’s asking?” He replies and I smile “it’s your new hyung”. There’s something so easy about talking to Yunho and I’m really digging that “oh, good morning shorty” what a punk.

* * *

I’m waiting at a local café when I spot Yunho coming through the door. He drops in the seat opposite me and I push the tea towards him and he eyes it with fake suspicion “you didn’t spit in it right?” He asks “trust me, I was tempted” I watch him drink it and smile “did you get home okay?” He asks and I nod “of course, I saw the sun rise and everything. What about you? Get home okay I mean?” I ask and his eyes flash for second I almost miss it “wait before you answer, I need to tell you something” I say and he’s confused “I’m incapable of lying and I don’t know why I did” another lie, you just didn’t want to tell him, his little thing screwed you the fuck over “I actually went to school with Mingi. I know him quite well” too well. Yunho looks at me surprised for a minute and my foots taps in my boots. “I know, he told me” my heart stalls. The coffee I just drank burns the entire way down my throat and what feels like my soul as well “You didn’t tell me you where valedictorian” he says and I unclench my fist. What the fuck was I thinking, Song Mingi wouldn’t say shit if it made him look the least bit bad. “What? I don’t look like I fit the category?” I say knowing that I look every bit like the nerd who got valedictorian. Yunho throws his head back and I just watch. I hope to god he’s happy “how is Mingi? I haven’t seen him since we graduated?” The soft smile on Yunho’s face as soon as he hears his name gives me a tiny bit of insurance, maybe he’s changed. There must be a slight difference in my face because Yunho looks at me knowingly “he’s still the son of the senator, hyung” he says and it was the exact sentence I didn’t want to hear but not surprised. “Yunho” I say softly but the younger just shakes his head “it is what is hyung. I started this thing with Mingi when so many people warned me not to, hell even Mingi warned me that his father will never approve and yet I still went and fell for him. God how pathetic am I, whining about my shitty love life to you, someone I barely know” he laughs angrily and suddenly I see a lot of myself in Yunho. “Yunho, you don’t need to preach to me about being pathetic, I fell for my best friend 20 years ago and I still haven’t told him” I see his eyebrows raise in shock out of the corner of my eyes “20 years huh? You’re only 25?” I laugh at the confusion “that’s right, at the ripe old age of 5” I tip the rest of my lukewarm coffee down and look at Yunho. “He treats you right?” I ask with more seriousness than I can ever portray. Yunho looks down at his clasped hands for a moment before answering “when we are together? Truly together and just the two of us, Mingi treats me like I’m his holy Christ and saviour. It’s when he..” he swallows and looks around the café “leaves?” I finish for him and his eyes find mine. I’m looking at 17 year old Hongjoong right now and my heart breaks. “You don’t have to work today right?” I ask after a few minutes of comfortable silence “no, not today” he answers and I smile wickedly “great, I feel we need something stronger than coffee don’t you think?” Yunho laughs and pushes out of his chair “there’s one thing you need to know about me Joong-hyung, you never have to ask if I’m down for day drinking. Never”. 

* * *

We’re three bottles in and getting louder by the minute “how’d your parents take it?” I hum at the question, knowing exactly what he’s asking about “Mom already knew I was gay and nothing changed except being devastated about not having any grandkids until I informed her we live in the 21st century and that I could still have a biological child and Dad was never around” I shrug and them smile at the memory of me sitting my Mom down to tell them their only child was gay.   
_Do you ever worry yourself over nothing until you’re sick to your stomach? Well I do it all the time, I’m walking home from school with Seonghwa so nervous I could take a dump right here on the sidewalk. “Calm down Joong, what do you think is going to happen? She’ll kick you out? Hate you? No that is nonsense and you know it. You’re making me nervous”. He says and I try to calm myself at his words. Somewhere in the deep crevices of my mind I know that Seonghwa is right but he’s not the one about to come out to his mother now is he?. “Okay stop” Seonghwa stops in his tracks and I almost stumble over him “you are quite literally the light of your mothers eyes, nothing and I mean nothing will ever make her love you any less. What’s this really about_ _Joong?” He asks and my heart is in my throat. Why does this idiot know everything about me, “huh Joong? Tell me. It’s because of you’re Dad is it it?” He says and I look away, this idiot even knows what I’m thinking and feeling “yes” I whisper and he just sighs “you know it in your heart that your mother would never abandon you, just walk up there and tell her babe. Trust me” I look into my best friends eyes and do just that. “Mom?” I call out as I walk through the door “baby” her voice comes from somewhere in the house. I find her in the kitchen “hey Mom can we talk?” I say trying so hard to leave the nerves behind but it’s really fucking hard and Mom picks up on them straight away “oh? Of course” she pats the stool next to her and I drop into it “I’m gay” I just about scream and Mom jumps and slaps me on the back_ “you fool, you scared me too d_eath and you didn’t think I didn’t know, who do you take your Mom for? Of course you are baby and you know what?” She looks into my eyes just as the tears overspill and she wipes them away with her tiny thumbs “I’ll love you more and more every single day_”. 

* * *

“What about you?” I ask back choking back my emotions “no big story here. They were shocked of course, needed a few moments but then my Mom just took me in her arms and Dad followed. Don’t you feel guilty sometimes? Listen to us talking about our coming out stories, two homosexualKorean men welcomed so well into their families but that’s most often than not the case” I think about what he’s saying for a moment before speaking. “I’ve spent so much of my life wondering if I was worth much you know? My Dad left my Mom and me for no reason at all. Just one day he left, if it wasn’t for my Mom and my friend, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Then came high school, I got fucked over so much and I was mentally done. So when I knew I liked men, totally one hundred percent it was something I vowed to never compromise or bargain with, something that I would never hide away even if it caused more harm. That was the turning point in my life, I started to find my real self worth and who deserved me and while I can sympathise with other kids out there like us doing it tough, no person should ever have to apologise for they really are” Yunho and I drink too that. 

* * *

8 bottles in and we’ve positively cleared this side of the bar, Yunho is definitely a loud drunk but it’s so cute. “You mean to tell me, your little sister, who was all of 7 years old walked in on you mid fuck?” I say and smack the table howling “don’t say it like that you asshole” he pouts “and it wasn’t just one sister, it was the both of them” he says ashamed and I fucking lose it “oh my god, Yunho I can’t breathe” I gasp in between breaths “fuck man, I can still hear it. “Nooo, what are you doing? Get off our Yunnie. You’ll hurt him”. Tears rolling down their faces and everything” I’m dying, I really think I’m going to pass away right now “Yunho, stop. Please stop” I cry and he’s laughing just as hard and my sides hurt so good. Something moves in the corner of my eyes and in the middle of trying to catch my breath from the onslaught of laughing, I choke “Joong-Hyung don’t actually die on me” Yunho says with a little bit of concern but I really can’t breathe now, for a totally different reason. “Seongie”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite sure how this is turning out right now? I’ve got a million ideas floating around in my head. Hope you are enjoying, comments and kudos appreciated :) much love


	4. Let’s go home yeah?

* * *

I stare at Seonghwa, Seonghwa stares and me and Yunho stares back and forth at the both of us. My brain short circuits and my heart races. He’s here right? My head moves on it’s own to Yunho to make sure I’m not imagining it and Yunho is looking at Seonghwa. He looks sooo.. angry? I don’t know but it finally clicks that he’s actually here “Seonghwa” I stand up so fast my head hurts and I have to steady myself “oh” I sway a little and worry flashes in Seonghwa’s eyes and he rushes to me “Hongjoong” he says and I might as well melt away right here. It’s only been five days but it might as well have been five years, there hasn’t been a day in the last 20 years where we haven’t seen each other. I throw my arms around him with such force we both stumble. He’s taller than me and my nose hits right at his neck. He’s warm, really warm and I breathe in his scent. I can feel his heartbeat as I try with everything I have not to cry right now. “Missed you Park” I mumble and Seonghwa finally returns the hug “I missed you too Joong, what are you doing?” He says into my hair and I realise we are in the middle of a bar. My cheeks heat and I slip out of nirvana, Seonghwa takes a step back and pulls at the neck of his shirt and I frown. He’s never been uncomfortable with my skin ship before so I feel a little weird to see him like this. 

* * *

I watch Seonghwa look to Yunho and then back to me and there’s something in his eyes that I’ve never seen before and just this whole situation is throwing me off. Yunho clears his throat at the obvious awkwardness and I shake my head, hoping to god of clearing it and it does because I finally find my manners “Seonghwa this is Yunho, Yunho this is my friend Seonghwa” I say and there it is again, that something in Seonghwa’s eyes. Yunho stands up and bows slightly before extending his hand “nice too meet you Seonghwa” Seonghwa returns the greeting and I pull on his arm and he falls into the booth next to me “he’s a loyal sunflower customer” I say and Yunho smiles “well you know, their sunflowers what’s not to love. I’m gonna run Joong-hyung, thank you for the day. I really appreciate it” he says and I frown, I’m not ready to be alone with him yet “good luck” he says before he’s saying goodbye and walking out of the door.

* * *

Shit, fuck. I look at my drink and I feel like I’m about to pass out “Hongjoong” he says and every hair on my body stands “Seonghwa..” I start, my throat scratches and my nose itches. “I don’t care okay? Whatever it is, just tell me you’re alright? Just tell me you’re coming home Joong, Im going crazy” he says out in a rush and I turn my body on the bench and truly look at him. He looks exhausted, like he hasn’t slept in days and all of the sudden I feel like the worst person in the world. We stare at each other for what seems like eternity and neither of us break the contact, I don’t think we take a breath. The door opens sending a gust of wind right through Seonghwa’s black hair, it falls over his eyes. Like my hand is magnetic and drawn to it, my fingers gently push it from his face and I find my voice “I’m okay Seonghwa” he finally takes a breath “and I’m coming home, you didn’t need to come here” he frowns and takes my hand. He plays gently with the side of my fingers, a gesture he’s done for years but right now it feels different, everything feels different. “You disappeared Hongjoong. Like you weren’t answering my calls? If it weren’t for San I would’ve lost my fucking mind. How could I not come here. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” He says and violently pushes his hair back. “What the fuck happened?” He asks and for the first time in 20 years I want to be honest, I want to scream right now that I’m in love with him and that I have been all these years. That I love the way he cares so deeply and with everything he has, how he puts everyone ahead of himself. I want to tell him that it hurts so much to know that I’ve disappointed and made him upset but I don’t because I’m fucking scared. “I’m sorry” I whisper and the look in his eyes cut me “That’s it?” He says incredulously “why?” He pesters and I half lie “something just came down on my that day. I can’t explain it Park, after we got the movie deal, after I saw you something happened. 25 years old and just landed the biggest role of my career but what else? What else do I have beside my work and Mom? I just had a meltdown and my anxiety skyrocketed like it hasn’t in years so I just ran” I look away from him and sigh, I mean that was barely a lie. “Me” he says and I look back to him confused “what?” I ask “you have your work, your Mom. And. Me” he says so slowly and so damn surely my breath hitches. “And I’m really fucking angry right now Hongjoong. After everything you would just run without at least talking to me” he says and my eyes water I have to turn away. “It’s something that I just needed to do on my own Seonghwa but I soon realised how much I needed you” I admit and shit myself thinking about all of the ways Seonghwa might’ve interpreted that sentence “I saw Mingi” I say to throw him off and it works. His hands tense around mine “are you okay?” I nod “yeah I am. It brought up some terrible memories that I never want to feel again but it kind of showed me how much I’ve grown. I half bolted when I saw him though” Seonghwa smiles and I giggle “I still want to kill him” he says, lips tight. “He’s actually with Yunho. It was a big coincidence but that’s why I got along with Yunho so easily, he reminds me of myself” it makes no sense to me either as I look at Seonghwa’s confused face “doesn’t make any sense right? 17 year old Joong was sad” I smile, thinking back “17 year old Joong was naïve and he was toyed along by the pretty new boy who treated him well when they were alone. He wasn’t sad, he was hurt” Seonghwa says and I agree wholeheartedly. “17 year old Seonghwa was so cute. Trying to defend and console his best friend. You thought you were so tough” I laugh and Seonghwa pouts and suddenly were staring at each other again and I speak again “let’s go home yeah?”

* * *

I walk through the door “hey baby, are you hungry.. oh? Seonghwa” she stops and eyes the both of us, I send her a hesitant smile “what a surprise, how are you Seongie, how are your parents?” she asks and takes him in her arms. “I’m good Mom and you probably know how my parents are doing more than me” he says with a sorry smile and Mom squints her eyes at him “I know you two are busy being successful and shit but you both really need to get home more” she says with her arms crossed and both of us nod weakly, agreeing “you’re right Mom, come give me a hug. I promise I’ll come visit more” I breathe in her scent, gaining more and more strength from her by the second “call me whenever okay? When the times comes, jump all in baby boy. I’m promise everything will be okay, trust you mothers words” she says in my ear and I squeeze her tighter. “Come here, come here” Mom lifts her arm out and Seonghwa rushes in “drive home safely my boys”

* * *

The drive is mostly silent and I curl up in the front seat of my car “I could’ve drove Park, you’ve been on a dank bus all day” I protested like a child when he said he would drive, I give into him too easily. “You know I lose a life every time I’m in a car with you Joongie, I promise I’m fine” I smile to myself and pretend I didn’t hear the insult in there. Sometime later his left hand drops to the centre console and I stare at his fingers and I keep peeking at him through the corner of my eye, I feel like Seonghwa hasn’t really talked about it and I’m just waiting for him to yell at me or something. I steel my nerves and place my hand gently on his, he looks at me surprised for a second before turning back to the road “I promise I will never drop out like that again, I was selfish and didn’t take into consideration your feelings. It’s just that you’ve always been there for me Seonghwa and I’ve been such a burden to you so many times and you’ve got your own life now, your own people” I swallow and face stoically ahead. My finger runs around his soft palm and he listens without saying a word “I need to become more independent, you won’t always be there…” I freeze when I feel him grab my hand and interlock our fingers. Electricity runs up my arm and throughout my entire body and it jolts. “Kim Hongjoong, if you can’t tell that you are the most important person in my life by now, we have a serious problem” the dickhead doesn’t even put the indicator on before he suddenly pulls off the road. He puts the car in park and turns to me fully “you say you’re a burden to me? How when every single night I pray to god he sent you to me all those years ago. You seriously forget just how much you’ve helped me throughout our lives, like you haven’t saved me at all? Joong when are you going to get it through your head that I can’t live with out you. You. Are. My. Person. You are my best friend” His last sentence was both my saviour and my undoing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know, I hope that wasn’t too bad. Leave your thoughts in the comments loves ^-^


	5. It was you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief talk about anxiety and anxiety attacks.  
Sorry for any mistakes in there. Hope you enjoy  
Ps. Flash back/dream is in italics

I’ve only been home a couple days but I’ve seen to settle back into my pathetic routine easily. The day after we got home I went straight over to see San. _“He’s angry right? I mean I haven’t talked to him that much but you know how San is, you can’t judge how he’s feeling especially through the phone” I mumble as Seonghwa and I walk up to San and Wooyoung’s house “he’s not going to eat you alive, at least he got some sort of communication out of you” Seonghwa states and I eye him. I guess someone else is still salty with me, I don’t have time to say anything back because the door opens and I’m pulled into a set of small my muscled arms and I groan “don’t you ever just take off like that again. I swear you are going to send me to an early grave” San holds me for a long while and I just keep apologising. There’s nothing else I can really say, I fucked up and I’ve realised that running away doesn’t solve shit. “Alright Sannie, let hyung breathe” Wooyoung pulls his fiancé off of me but I don’t let him get too far “look at me San-ah” I say and put both of my hands on his cheeks “I promise, I will never run off like that again”_.

I go back to work and nothing has changed at home, humans are a slut for routine and the thing about routine is, is you get too set in your way and it becomes hard to even think about breaking that cycle. The first step is actually knowing that something needs to change. My phone vibrates as I’m walking out of the building, tired as shit “pick something up for dinner on your way home”.

I walk through the door and drop the bag of food on the kitchen table “Seonghwa, I felt like pizza. Hope that’s okay?” I yell into the empty living room, loosening my tie “I’ll be out in a second, choose a movie” I hear come from behind his closed door. I change out of my suit and into a massive shirt and track pants and move everything to the couch. My stomach rumbles and I think Seonghwa better hurry up or he’ll have to fend for himself tonight. I literally can’t wait anymore so I grab a piece while I’m waiting, the bedroom door opens and Seonghwa walks out rubbing his towel over his wet hair. Naked chest, wet hair and his tracks riding low on his tiny hips have me holding the piece of pizza at the tip of my mouth, frozen. _Look the fuck away Kim Hongjoong, you’ve seen everything before anyway, put the pizza in your mouth and look away. _

“Hey, how was work?” He asks and sits down beside me and reaches for the pizza. I blink and shove half the piece down my throat, anything to stop me from answering right now. Seonghwa looks over at me like I’m a dickhead before laughing. “It was good, everyone is frazzled and busy but you know I love that shit” I shrug, I’ve always done best when put under pressure, which is weird considering I have anxiety “how about you?” I ask around another mouthful of food “mm, it was okay. We just printed this months release so everyone had a second to breathe before starting on next months” he says and I nod. Seonghwa is the junior editor at a magazine publisher and it’s amazing how faced paced everyone needs to be, always looking for the next thing. We sit in comfortable silence and it’s one of my most treasured things about our friendship, we can literally sit next to each other for hours without saying a word. I hate small talk and it’s just being around Seonghwa at the end of a long work day makes any worry I have just melt away. I can feel myself falling into oblivion and it doesn’t take much until I’m completely asleep.

_I’m walking home from school, Seonghwa in row grumbling about some homework we have to do but I’m in my own world. It’s a really nice day today, the seasons are changing and I can feel the cool breeze flit across my skin, it’s going to be sweater weather soon. We’re in our last year of school and the dreaded collage acceptance forms are just around the corner, Seonghwa’s already been accepted and I’m anxiously waiting for mine “Joong I can hear your thoughts, you’re the smartest person I know. You’ll get in” he says and I smile, if only it just came down to my grades. There’s so many other factors and if I don’t get a scholarship then that’s it, I’m out. There’s no way Mom and I can afford Seoul University. Seongie has gone quiet and I can feel him freeze at my side “Joong, let’s go to the library. Quick, I forgot something” he starts pulling me towards the town library “woah Seonghwa, wait a minute” I release myself from his grip and his face is pinched “I need to get home, I’ve got work” he knows this “just trust me, two minutes” he says in a rush looking behind me and I frown. “Hongjoong” he says desperately as I turn around. I really wish I just went to the damn library with him. “Joong, come on let’s go” he whispers and reaches for my hand as I stand in the middle of the street frozen. My father, as clear as day stands not even 15 feet away with his family. A family that never included me, his face the exact same except with a little bit of age as the day he left 12 years ago. My throat is tight as I watch him pick up his small daughter and swing her through the air, a boy just a little bit older comes running to his legs, the three of them smiling and laughing. Was he ever this happy? Did his eyes ever crinkle when he smiled like that with me? A women stands beside them with a smile on her face and love in her eyes. I feel Seonghwa squeeze my hand “let’s go Joong” he whispers and I nod, yes I need to go. I manage to take only one step and he looks up and straight into my eyes, eyes that are identical to his. His smile drops and so does my heart._

I wake when I feel Seonghwa moving and he freezes as soon as I open my eyes, somehow I’ve ended half on his lap in my sleep. His hand is poised over my face and he smiles at me before continuing to move the hair off my dampened forehead. “Bad dream?” He drags both of his thumbs under my eyes and across my cheeks and that’s when I realised I was crying. I wish this couch could just swallow me while right now “it wasn’t a dream though” I whisper and I just feel exhausted. Seonghwa’s eyes darken and I know he knows what it was about. It’s a dream I have most often than not. Seonghwa has woken to me screaming and crying before, he has sat and talked me through some of my worst anxiety attacks and cuddled me back to normalcy. It hasn’t happened for a while and I don’t know what’s triggered it now. “Come on, let’s go to bed” he peels me off the couch and tucks me into bed, I beg him not too but he doesn’t listen and crawls in right behind me. “You know Joong, it doesn’t get easier. Every time I see you like this makes me so angry” he says and I clench my eyes and roll over to face him “it’s the same damn dream every time, the dream of the last time I saw him. Only it’s not a fucking dream, it was real. He left me and I had to see him so happy like that” I can’t even explain the feeling of what it was like to see that, all I know is that it hurt. A lot. They say time is the only thing that can heal heartbreak, maybe it’s the fact that I have little to none closure but it’s been 19 years and it still fucking hurts. “It’s so hard to see you question your worth because the truth is, is that you deserve more than he could’ve ever given you. From where I’m standing his leaving broke you but it might also been the best thing he’s ever done for you, the best thing that could’ve happened for you. It’s made you the person you are today and that person is pretty damn amazing” I stare at Seonghwa in the darkness but somehow I can see clear as day and right now I could do something really fucking stupid. Something that could destroy me, I plead and beg and try to use every ounce of self control I have but it’s not enough because my hand moves on it’s own accord and it traces his face, my fingers feather over his jaw and cheekbones, across his eyebrows and down both temples. Seonghwa doesn’t move an inch, I don’t think he breathes. “You said that my father leaving might have been the best thing to happen to me but you’re wrong, it was you. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you all these years” I whisper what might be the most truest thing I’ve ever said into the darkness and I swear his breath hitches. _Don’t Hongjoong, stop right now, right now. _My mind screams over and over but I still shift closer ever so slowly. Our foreheads are just about touch and my eyes close. I can feel his breath on my face. _Are you ready for the consequences Joong? Are you ready for the possibility of not having Seonghwa in your life at all? _No I’m not, which is why by some strength of god, I pull myself back “night Seongie, thank you so much, thank you for always being there” I say goodnight and return to my side with my entire body clenched. I hear Seonghwa release a barely there breath and I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter. What and idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof are things in the air changing at the Kim/Park’s house? Comments and Kudos really appreciated


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello night shift my old friend. It’s 3:45am and I just wrote this chapter so forgive me. Enjoy

I wake up alone and there’s no shocker there, I would’ve ran for the hills too. My hands fall to the other side of the bed and I frown, it’s still warm. Everything smells like him and I pull the blankets over my head. I shit myself when my phone rings and I slip my hand out of the cover to grab it only to find out it’s dead silent. I sit up and look around for the culprit, Seonghwa must’ve left his phone and it won’t stop making noise. I finally spot it under the pillow just as the room becomes quiet, there’s a lot of messages from Jaewon and I swear I don’t read them, only I do. Maybe I am a liar, hell I’ve been lying to Seonghwa for over 20 years, what am I trying to prove. He was supposed to meet Jaewon last night, Seonghwa was supposed to go out with his boyfriend but he tucked me into bed and held my hand until I fell asleep. “_My friend needs me”_ his last text sent. Why does knowing this make me feel lucky to have someone I can depend on so dearly blessed beyond blessed but also have me feeling like a pathetic loser who’s completely holding Seonghwa back. I kick of the blankets and thrash around in bed like a toddler would just because, what am I doing? I’m fully grown, I shouldn’t need Seonghwa like I do and Seonghwa shouldn’t feel the need to always put me first, no matter what he says because if I knew his boyfriend was waiting for him last night there would’ve been no chance in hell of him staying in my bed.

I stomp out of the room and swing the door open a bit too hard, Seonghwa looks up in surprise with a piece of toast in his mouth “you almost scared the toast out of me” he jokes but I’m kind of not in the mood if he couldn’t already tell. I walk over to him and put his phone down “why’d you blow off Jaewon?” I ask and he just looks at his phone, swallowing. “It was no big deal, I told him something came up” he shrugs as if it’s nothing and it might be for him. It’s something for me, he keeps doing shit like this and getting my hopes up without knowing he’s even doing it. I’m depending on him too much because I know he’ll be there. Every. Single. Time. “Seonghwa” I sit in the chair opposite him “you can’t do that” I say trying to think of a right way to say the thoughts in my head. “You’ve got a partner now, he needs to come first” I say and sigh. Why was that so hard? “I’m pretty sure I told you yesterday that you come first” he says adamant and I become silent. It’s all true and I know that if it was the other way around I’d the the exact same. It’s not though, I’m in love with Seonghwa and Seonghwa loves me as a best friend, a brother. Everything he’s saying is coming out in love and protection for a friend. “Seonghwa listen” I start and choke on my words and it seems he’s caught on that this is a bigger issue than thought “Joong it really isn’t a problem. We were just going for dinner” he says and I hate myself that he even feels the need to explain himself right now “Seongie, you have to know that I feel like a real piece of shit right? You blew off your date like nothing just to be with me. You’ve done it more times than I can count and while I know I would do the same if reversed this can’t happen again” I stop and look up to him, to his genuinely confused face and I rub a hand down my face “what’s going to happen when you fall in love right? Because you will, your Park Seonghwa it’s in you DNA to love. You won’t be able to always be there” Seonghwa puts down the forgotten toast “that’s not fair Hongjoong” he says and I frown “being there for someone when needed is what humans do, I’m not sure what’s happening right here or what you’re trying to say but if you’re trying to tell me to back off, save your breath because it isn’t happening” he says with a tone in his voice I can’t decipher “and we both know you’ll be the first to fall in love Joong” my stomach swoops and I roll my eyes at him “Seonghwa I just need you to promise that I’m not holding you back yeah. I won’t be able to live with myself” and that’s the truth. 

“Have you ever had the thought that he might be in love with you to?” San asks me and I laugh at him. It’s hours after that useless conversation with Seonghwa and he had to go into work for a little while so I asked him to drop me here. “Don’t say such stupid things Sannie” I day just as Yeosangje drops on the couch with us. “Seonghwa hyung is so in love with you it’s painful to watch” he says and I clap him around the ear “ow ok Hyung. You might not believe it because it’s something you’ve been wanting for all of my life and you just can’t see it now” he says and I stare at the kid “I see how he is around you compared to how his is around San hyung. Two completely different people and I’m not saying that as a bad thing, just different” he says and San agrees “we’ve been through a lot Sangie, he’s been my light when I’ve been lost in the darkest times of my life. We’ve had to lean only on each other so many times and for so long” I say and Yeosang just stares at me “the relationship you have goes beyond friendship and anyone can see that” Yeosang speaks with much more in his voice and I have to remind myself he’s only 19 “Yeosang” San warns but he just shakes his head “for what it’s worth hyung, I would’ve told him years ago and it might mean nothing coming from me, what do I know right? But you haven’t even given hyung the chance” it’s not like I haven’t said this to myself a thousand times before but hearing from someone else hits a little different “you’re right” I reply and both San and Yeosang look at me surprised “but when the fear of rejection and not having him in my life is the alternative, it’s not worth telling him because I’d rather have Seonghwa as a friend and nothing more than to not have him at all” Frustration blooms in my chest and I wish I could just be strong enough to tell him, not worry about any consequences “do you remember what you told me before I proposed to Woo?” San asks “I was a completely nervous wreck but you shook me by my shoulders and said “there is not one doubt Wooyoung is your person. There person you think about waking up and the person you think about going to bed. You deserve to love wholly and freely with the person who has your heart” he says and I remember like it was yesterday “Kim Hongjoong, you deserve to love wholly and freely with the person who has your heart” San repeats the words. 

Seonghwa walks in the door and suddenly he has three sets of eyes on him and I’m sure you can hear a pin drop “whoa? Am I interrupting or something?” He says nervously and I choke on my saliva “of course not, Yeosang was just telling us about his little boy toy” San says and I take a breath “hyung he’s only two years younger than me and you’ve known him for years shut up” Yeosang rolls his eyes and pokes his brother hard, San gasps and flares at him. “Oh? How come hyung doesn’t know about him?” Seonghwa questions Yeosang and his cheeks brighten “It’s not anything heavy that why, his name is Jongho. San hyung works with his Mom” Seonghwa looks over to me and with the sweetest smile on his face “look at our baby Joong, he’s all grown up. Remember when we first met these two. Sangie was still in nappies” my face breaks into the biggest smiles and I melt. “Yes oh my god, San couldn’t believe he had made such great friends until we wanted to hang out with the baby too” I start laughing thinking back “our mom loved you two, whenever you guys came over it was like free babysitters” San laughs, rolling his eyes. “I loved it too. You guys were so cool, well Seonghwa hyung was” Yeosang says and I squint my eyes at him, reaching for the one spot above his hip bone “Hyung? What are you doing?” He questions with suspicion as I move closer “No hyung, I’m sorry. You’re way cooler” I laugh and grab the little bit of fat there and he screeches “too late shit head” he manages to escape and runs right behind Seonghwa “give me the kid and you won’t get hurt” I say and he looks at me with such a fond look and I almost lose my concentration “Seongie hyung” Yeosang whimpers from behind him and I laugh even more “you know I can’t do that Joong, besides he wasn’t wrong” he says with a shit eating grin and this fool thinks he’s sly “why’d you do that hyung?” Yeosang groans out and my target had suddenly changed, this will be fun. “Move Sangie” I warn and the younger scurries from out behind Seonghwa and before he can even register what’s happened I’ve got him underneath me on the ground begging for mercy “oh ow. Jesus I forgot how fast you were and damn strong shorty” I press down harder on his arms I have captured above his head and yes I’m fully prepared of what position that puts me in “you have a big mouth for someone who should be begging no?” I ask and he laughs. He brings his left knee up and with the leverage of the ground he uses his strength to roll me off of him and completely switch the positions “your little ninja tricks only work on me for so long Joong” he looks down at me and straight into my soul. I’m not dominant anymore and I feel vulnerable “okay okay, your beastly body is no match for me. Off” I roll my hips and it’s quite possibly the worst mistake I’ve ever done. I freeze and he freezes and those two in the background freeze if they’re even still here? I don’t know everything is just frozen. His mouth drops open as he stares down at me and I swear to god if Seonghwa doesn’t get off me in a hot second everyone is in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are changing, about time right? Comments and Kudos appreciated :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little plot twist thrown right on in there.

It’s been a real weird week, I haven’t seen Seonghwa much because either he’s working late, out with Jaewon or I’m at the office until all hours of the night working but the times we run into each other it’s a little tense and it’s putting me in a real bad mood. I cringe thinking back to the little incident at Sans and I stare blankly at my computer screen.

_ I’m sure even he can hear the sound of my heartbeat right now as we stare at each other, both of us to scared to make a move. I swear I just wanted him off me but the way our position is, when I jutted my hips everything was just aligned. Yes I mean that the way Seonghwa was on top of me our cocks were perfectly positioned and when I rolled my hips well, let’s just say we felt things and right now I can literally feel a bead of sweat rolling down my face, I silently beg him to just goddamn move because he’s going to feel a lot more if he doesn’t. As if he hears my thoughts he blinks and quickly removes himself. Me? I feel like I’ve just ran a marathon and I’m exhausted. Someone clears their throat and I move my head robotically to see San and Yeosang staring at me with__ a knowing look, great. I sit up slowly, the blood rushing to the rest of my body and Seonghwa doesn’t even look at me “you ready to head home_?”

Fucking hell, I mutter and let my head fall right onto the key board. When I really think about it, it’s not that bad right? We’re bro’s and all, surely he’s not thinking about it too much, not thinking about how he practically felt me half hard underneath him right? Ah fuck me, I smash my head on the keyboard a few more times, hoping it’ll help me forget. I stand up fast my head spins a little, I frown as I steady myself. That’s been happening more and more lately and it’s really annoying me.

I say goodbye to the few people left at the office and head home, I’m tired as fuck but traffic is slow so that’s great. I make it home in one piece but I’m literally dragging my feet and I stop at the door to catch my breath, the fuck? After trying three times I finally open the door to Seonghwa quite literally mauling Jaewon on the couch, I would laugh at my shitty fucking luck if I just didn’t want my bed right now. I don’t mean to say that my stomach doesn’t drop at the sight because it sure does “shit, Joong” Seonghwa stands up fast with a hand on his chest and Jaewon looks at me sheepishly. Seonghwa’s face is flushed and his lips swollen and I think I might actually pass out right now. “Sorry to interrupt, don’t mind me” barely recognising my own voice I slink away, really not feeling well. Sleep, I just want to sleep right now “wait, hold up” Seonghwa says and I stop too fast and my head swims “are you alright?” He asks and I hate how I just want him to hug me right now, even after what I just saw “bed” I mumble and start shuffling towards my room, I want my bed. “Wait a second Hongjoong” he says sternly and grabs my arm and I growl. Seonghwa recoils from me just a little and then looks at me with concern “did you just growl at me?” He asks and I might or might not do it again, he lets me go and I bolt to my room.   
  


Kim Hongjoong, what in the fuckery was that? A sharp pain behind my eyes blind me for a second and I forget that I just growled at someone. I completely strip and fall into bed, a picture of Seonghwa and Jaewon eating each other’s faces the last thing I see before my entire world goes black. 

I wake to blinding lights and in a unfamiliar room, noises fall every surface of this place and it only takes me a minute to realise I’m in a hospital room. My throat is burning and I blink several times, eyes adjusting to the whiteness. Seonghwa’s head is draped over the side of my bed and he’s clutching my hand “S..” I try but it comes out as a pathetic whisper “Seongie” try again and my throat feels like it’s been ripped to shreds. I slowly drag my other hand lightly through his hair and he lifts his head, I offer him the best I can, a confused watery smile “Joong, oh my god” he sits up straight “how do you feel? Hurt? Can you talk? Wait I’ll get the doctor” he rambles and runs out of the room before rushing back “my.. throat” I manage to scratch out “here, have some water. Only a tiny bit, the doc said your throat will hurt” he gently puts the straw in my mouth and I’ve never loved water more in my life than right now. I sigh and lay back satisfied “Kim Hongjoong you scared the fuck out of me” he says and drops into the chair, he looks so exhausted “what happened?” Seonghwa looks at me for a moment in silent “the doctors aren’t even sure how you were standing? You’re blood oxygen levels were ridiculously low and they almost needed to comatose you if you didn’t improve overnight” he explains but I just look at him confused “I.. but. I’m..” i stammer and I can hear the machines in my room beep faster and Seonghwa grabs my hand “Shh, Joong calm down” he says and I focus on his voice, overwhelmed with everything. 

The doctor walks in at that moment “nice to see you awake Mr Hongjoong” he says and looks over my chart “my name is Doctor Byul but you can just call me DB. You’re a bit confused I take it?” He asks and I nod “that’s understandable, I’ll give you the run down but first thing first is that you are fine” DB says and I exhale, so does Seonghwa as he clutches my hand tighter “you seem to have Hypoxia, which means that your blood oxygen levels where too low” he says but I’m still so confused “this basically means your blood did not have enough oxygen to meet your body needs. Have you been feeling light headed and, shortness of breath, even sweating more than usual?” He asks and I don’t even have to think about it “yeah but I thought it was just stress, I never even thought about it” I say frowning “have you ever had asthma?” I nod but Seonghwa answers “only mild when he was young, he hasn’t had any problems in years, everyone just thought he grew out of it” he says and DB nods “that may be the case but it still could have been a contributing factor. The good thing is is that you’re young and healthy and your body is strong, even though it probably doesn’t feel that way now. You’re going to be just fine Hongjoong” he says and my heart rate evens and I look at Seonghwa “thank you Doctor” I thank him and so Does Seongie.

I can’t remember the last time I was even in a hospital, when I broke my leg maybe? That was years ago, I look at the small calendar on the wall and the date is circled, what the fuck? “Yes Joong you’ve been in here for four days” he says when he sees me looking at the calendar. I look back at him eyes wide and I truly see how tired he looks and I can’t even imagine what he’s been through, just thinking if it was the other way around I need the bed right next to him also. “Four days?” I ask “five if you count the day I just let you be in your room, when you were still passed out that next night I finally checked on you and you wouldn’t wake up, I fucking lost it Joong, you don’t even understand” he says and his eyes water “don’t cry” I warn but it’s took late “don’t fucking cry” I say again because that’s the only thing in the world I can’t stand, the sight of either my mother or Seonghwa crying. “I can’t help it, you looked like you were dead. I thought you were dead” he cries and buried his face in my thigh as big sobs hit his large frame. My hand threads through his hair again and I let him pour it out. I couldn’t possibly understand wheat that must’ve been like, he becomes quiet and his shoulder shake a little “Seonghwa” I whisper and he just pushes his face further into my thigh “Park Seonghwa” I try again and it takes him a minute but he looks up and his face breaks my heart, I wipe away the tears from under his eyes “you think I would go that easily? I’m stronger than a little oxygen deprivation” I say and he frowns “don’t joke” I smile at him “I should’ve come in sooner, I new you didn’t look well and I just let you go to sleep” he says and now I’m frowning “it’s not your fault, it would’ve happened no matter what. If anything I shouldn’t have ignored what my body was obviously trying to warn me about but you heard the doc, I’m going to be fine” I say with conviction and Seonghwa just stares at me and just like all those nights ago when we where laying side by side in my bed, my hand comes up to his face and my finger feathers across all of his beautiful features, only this time I gently drag my thumb across his bottom lip and his mouth drops ever so slightly open and my machine thing goes ballistic. “My baby” Mom shouts with tears running down her face as she runs to my other side with San and Yeosang following and my hand drops from his face as I’m taken in her arms. I don’t take my eyes off him when he leans back in his chair, looking at his feet with one of his hands replacing mine on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know, I dont know? Comments and kudos appreciated lovelies


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes laying around, I was in a rush.   
Ps warning ⚠️ anxiety

Something about me almost dying has brought on an epiphany, one I knew in my heart was inevitable. I think the time has come to tell Seonghwa how I feel about him, why now? There is something about the way he acted when I was in hospital, how attentive he was. How scared he was that he could’ve lost me, at that point I knew I wanted to tell him. It might blow up in my face but I know after everything that Seonghwa will always be in my life, friend or something more. I know in my heart that if I don’t tell him I will regret it for the rest of my life, there’s a stab in my chest when I think about our lives in ten maybe fifteen years time. Seonghwa’s happily married and chasing around his children who look painfully just like him and it really does break my heart to think that could be someone else’s future.

All of the sudden a hand snakes through mine, fingers threading. Did I mention that he virtually hasn’t left my side since we got home? It’s equally cute as it is annoying, I normally can’t handle him so I especially struggle when he’s being all cute and shit “you’re breaking out in a sweat, what’s going on in that head of yours?” He questions but I stay somewhat silent “hmm?” I should’ve known he wouldn’t give up “you know Seongie, you have gnarly morning breath” I say and stop breathing because if I know him at all.. “sick bastard” my eyes water as he blows a massive breath into my face. He rolls over laughing and looks intently at my face “you’re pale, are you feeling okay?” I roll my eyes and push him away “I’m fine Seonghwa, I promise. I’m going back to work today” I don’t really know why it came out more as a question “Joong no, the doctor said you can have as much time as you need” he frowns “and I have, I’m going crazy in this house and it’s not like I run marathons at work, I’ll be sitting down in my office in my very expensive chair” he doesn’t look convinced, I sigh and roll into him “I’m fine, I won’t overdo it and I’ll come home if I don’t feel well” 

The next few days go the same, Seonghwa constantly checking on me, me telling him everything is okay when I’m growing more and more anxious trying to work up the nerve to tell Seonghwa how I feel. I need San’s help, which is why I ask him to hang out today “I was just about to see what you were up too, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever” he says into the phone and I calm at his voice. 

I can spot San from miles away, it’s like he has this aura that everyone is drawn too. I smile when I get close enough to see all of the people practically drooling over him and he politely smiles and looks up at me “babe” he says and I should be concerned about the death looks aimed at me right now but I’m well beyond used to it by now “San-ah” he stands up and greets me “how’ve you been? Haven’t murdered Seonghwa hyung yet?” I laugh and take a sip of the hot tea that San ordered “not yet but getting real close. I had to extract myself from him to even leave the house this morning” I get it though, I really do. San eyes me with knowing eyes “you know I’ve never seen him more scared right? I couldn’t hear shit when he called me to tell me about what happened because he was in such hysterics and when I got to the hospital the doctors almost had to sedate him” Seonghwa told me he was bad but I had no idea how bad “he wouldn’t leave your side, not when I showed up, not even when Mom arrived” he says and I just think silently for a minute. “San” looking at my cup I blurt out “I want to tell him, I want to tell him so bad it hurts” I cry pathetically and San looks at me with pity that just makes it so much worse “don’t look at me like that, you’ve been telling me to tell him for years” San just smiles at me “and I still stand by that San, more so now than ever. Hyung loves you and there’s no ifs or buts about that” I smile at him just as someone knocks into our table “oh my god, I’m so sorry” the young girl apologises horrified as San and I almost wearing our drinks. I look at her and stop, she’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head “do I know you?” She asks blinking a few times “sorry, you look so familiar” she feels really familiar to me too and I can’t put my finger on it, I don’t know many teenagers so why do I feel like I know her? “Joongie hyung” he says softly and looks behind me and suddenly I beg god to just open the universe and swallow me whole, dear god please because I hear the soft warning tone in his voice and suddenly I realise why I think I know her face, it’s because she looks just like my father, just like me. “Hyejin, you need to slowdown and be more careful. I’m sorry…” the man notices me as my throat closes “Hongjoong?”

The way he says my name has my lip twitching, he sounds like he’s wondering how in the world could he have such shitty luck. “Hongjoong” Hyejin, my sister apparently, mutters softly looking at her father with big eyes and I’m speechless, how is it possible that this young girl looks so much like me. She tucks herself into his side and my nose itches, she’s close with him that much is obvious and you know what? That makes me happy, at least he could stick around for this child. At least she didn’t have to grow up questioning her worth every single day. San gently place his hand over mine on the table and I feel like I’m not even present, like I’m in some other body just watching on as this train wreck. 

The anger that has always been so close to the surface sizzles and I know I’m barely breathing right now, I can feel it in the way my heart is pumping, the way my ears ring. My eyes flit from my father to my sister and no words come out, nothing. I’m out of my chair faster than my next breath “Hongjoong wait” I barely hear because I run. The outside weather hits my face and the tears the I didn’t even know were running down my cheeks almost freeze. I reach my car, my head swims when I sit and my vision blurs. My breaths coming out in little puffs but and I know I need to slow down, I can feel the attack coming like a bullet but I can’t stop it. I blindly reach for my inhaler and the car door opens “Joong, it’s alright. You need to calm down Joongie” my eyes find Sans scared ones and I just can’t breathe, he gets in the car and clutches my hands “just listen to my voice, you are okay. It’s just Sannie and Joongie, you need to take a breath” his voice registers but it’s not enough “S..Seongie.. I need Seonghwa” I choke out and I know I’m in full blow meltdown and black spots blue my vision “I’ve called him, he’s on his way” San cries and I can see his shoulders shake but all of the sudden I feel my car door open and my body taken from the car and into the arms of my best friend “Shh Hongjoong, I’m here” I clutch his shirt as everything Seonghwa invades every sense. Shudders rack my body painfully but he just closes his arms around my tighter “breathe, do it with me Joongie. Deep breath, slow. That’s it” I breathe through my nose and Seonghwa’s cologne breaks through the haze. “Keep going, San can you pass me the puffer. Here Joong, deep breaths” he holds the inhaler in front of my mouth. I don’t know how long it’s been but I just press my face further into his chest, my eyes open and I flinch at the bright sun. Seonghwa looks down to me with sadness in his eyes and smiles “there’s my guy” he whispers, gently wiping under my cheeks “I’m really going to kill him” he whispers again and my lips wobble. We’re standing in the middle of a car park as I come down from a full blown anxiety attack, I’m pretty sure this is peak pathetic-ness. 

“Hongjoong” I tense and so does Seonghwa, his eyes molten “you have got to be kidding me?” Seonghwa turns around, face to face with my father, shame written all over his ageing face which does nothing to mend my broken heart at this point. It’s my sisters face that causes me to pause, tears running down her face, her arms hug gong around her stomach “did you just see that?” Seonghwa shouts and points to me “that’s what happens when someone, a four year old child might I add has had to grow up wondering what in the fuck they did to be left behind like trash every. Single. Day. Of. Their. Lives. To try and be the best person they can be to every single person who’s shit on them just so not one more person would leave him. I’ve peeled him off of basement floors bloodied and bruised and brushed him off, I’ve held him through every one of those attacks you just saw because you bet your damn ass that wasn’t the first one. I’ve been there for everything, where were you huh? Where were you?” He screams and I jump so does my sister, Dad just stands there looking at the ground.

“Hyung, that’s enough. Come on, let’s just get Joongie home” San clutches his shoulder and he looks back at me, his eyes softening and without a word he helps me back into the car and peels out of the car park. I watch him the entire drive home, his hands turning white from how hard he’s holding the wheel. He doesn’t say another word and my tears just don’t stop, we pull up at Sans house “call me okay?” He hugs me and says goodbye. 

It’s tense walking up the stairs to our apartment and I don’t know what to say “I’m sorry Joong” Seonghwa says first and I look at him confused “why?” Seonghwa looks at me and sighs. We sit at the couch “I’m sorry if I scared you back there. I couldn’t contain it. When I got to you, you were almost out to it you know? Barely breather and your face was blue. San was crying right along with you and I just I don’t know, when I saw him I just lost it” he says torn and runs his hands down his face. He picks at my fingers and I just stare at him, in all honesty he’s done everything that a father should do for me. He taught me how to shave, he taught me how to talk to all the pretty girls, that changed to how to talk to the pretty boys. He was right back there, he has been there for me through absolutely everything and has never once put that back onto me. He’s never pitied me or made me feel worthless, quite the opposite. He’s made me feel loved and that I am able to be loved and that people do love me. He never expects anything in return and right now I don’t think I’ve loved him more in my life. “Seonghwa” I say and he looks up at me and my heart breaks at the tears in his eyes “I love you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omfg, might have shed a little tear.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little smutty smut but can’t reveal it all at once   
Sorry for any mistakes and if this chapter is total trash.

Silence. The only sounds registering to me right now is my heartbeat, which is pounding in my throat. He’s staring at me and I don’t know what to do? Do I say it again? Do I pretend I didn’t say shit, that it was just a joke? My heart is out on the couch right here between us and I’m sure I’ve never been more vulnerable “I love you too” he says and my hand twitches in his “no Seonghwa” my eyes drill into his “I’m. In. Love. With. You” I say slowly and I watch his eyes widen and he drops my hand. My entire being drops too. 

Silence. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, he tries again but nothing and I smile sadly at him “it’s okay, truly Seonghwa. You don’t need to say anything, I just needed to tell you and I’m pretty sure I just ruined my life but I was dying on inside keeping….” I’m stopped, by Seonghwa’s lips. By his fucking lips on mine. Park Seonghwa is kissing me, my eyes fall shut and I feel like new life has just been bred into my body. I’m probably going to regret this later, hell Im sure I am but right now, right in this second my world is complete. His lips move against mine and I finally come down to earth, my hands thread through his hair and my body shudders, we’re completely in sync and Seonghwa’s places his hands my my hips, his fingers brushing the bare skin at my hips and I shiver involuntarily, Seonghwa gently forces my mouth open with his and his tongue snakes in and I’m euphoric. I fist my hands around his hair and my brain short circuits as I pull myself impossibly closer to him by the stands of his hair. 

Seonghwa releases me from his capture and he rests his forehead against mine, our breaths meeting in the middle each time, my lips swollen and his shining. I open my eyes to find him staring right back “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that” he says and my heart drops “after everything that happened today, I should’ve thought…” “kiss me again” I stop him and he looks at me with concern “Joong” he whispers and my hair on the back of my neck stands “Park Seonghwa” I growl, I’m sick at how close I am to him but I can’t be the one to make that last move “kiss me” I repeat one more time and in the next second he’s everywhere, his mouth finds mine in the dark. His hands move from my hips and snake around the small of my back, pushing us even closer together, my fists tighten and a moan slips from my mouth as our tongues fight for dominance in a sultry dance. 

I’ve imagined this moment more times than I would ever admit to, definitely more times than I could count and let me just say the real thing blows any expectations out of the water. I release him because I need to breathe, deep breaths fill the otherwise silent room. Seonghwa shocks the shit out of me when he starts dragging his lips across my jaw and down my neck, suddenly there’s not enough oxygen in the world. That doesn’t stop my from letting my head fall back dramatically bearing my neck for him and he takes it all. My skin is on fire and I can feel the sweat dripping down my back “forgive me Hongjoong. Promise me you’ll forgive me” he says but I don’t get to answer him because I’m lifted into him arms and my legs automatically latch around his waist, heat settles in my stomach because that was motherfucking hot “fuck me” I don’t mean it to slip out but it does “mmhm I might” Seonghwa murmurs back and I can’t stop the smile forming on my face so I just push it into his neck, I know if I was in my right state of mind right know I would be stopping, we are moving to fast and nothing but hurt will come from this but I don’t have enough will power to stop me right in this moment as I scrape my teeth gently across his creamy skin and pull the lobe of his ear into my mouth “have I ever mentioned that I love your ears?” I say biting ever so gently and I feel his entire body shiver “yeah? I have noticed. You’re always touching them. This is new though, I like” he moans as I bite down that little bit harder “mmhm noted.. ugh” I yelp as I’m thrown onto my bed and I grin up at him and he pounces right on top of me straddling my thighs “hi” he looks down into my eyes and I’m so sure this is it, this is the end “hi” he whispers back and he snakes his hand around my neck “are you sure this is okay?” He asks nervously, no, is what I think in my head “yes, I’m sure” is what comes out of my mouth. My half assed yes was his undoing because I’m engulfed by Seonghwa, he invades every sense and I’m taken over by him. His hot tongue licks the top of my mouth and I moan, opening deeper for him.

The weight of him pressing into me is driving me crazy, Seonghwa rolls his hips and my eyes rolls back into my head “h-hyung” I stumble and I see his eyes turn darker than they already are “mmm?” He says, taking my bottom lip between his teeth “get this off” he says pulling at my shirt, his desperation makes me hot and I rip the shirt of my shoulders, buttons flying everywhere “fucking hot” he mumbles, his fingers running up the sides of my stomach. Why is this so natural? Is it because I’m so caught up in it all and just deluding myself? Putting myself in denial and just staying in the moment is the only thing I can do right now “more, Seongie” I whine and Seonghwa just laughs “what do you want Joongie?” Seonghwa says moving his hips “my hands?” I nod and he flicks my nipple hard and I gasp, my body arching of the bed “more? Here?” He does it again and I groan “or here?” He gently wraps his hand around my neck and applies pressure, my mind blanks and my mouth pops open “hmm, I’ll keep that in mind for later” he says with a voice I’ve never heard from him before, his sex voice. If I wasn’t hard before, fuck me my cock is pushing against my zipper painfully now. “Fucking touch me Seonghwa” I grunt out and rut my hips against him in hopes of something “Shh, hyung’s got you” fucking bastard has always loved it when I call him hyung, gives him that superiority. 

Seonghwa moves agonisingly slow down my body and stops when he reaches the button of my jeans, his eyes meet mine from where he’s poised right in front of where I want him the most. Suddenly I can’t breathe, my skin burns and my nose itches. Seonghwa is right where I’ve wanted him since I had my first wet dream, so why are there tears in my eyes right now? There’s so many questions I’m my head all of the sudden, what if we go all the way tonight? What if we sleep together and that’s it, Seonghwa will have me and than leave me. Seonghwa won’t be able to stay in my life and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’ll lose my crutch, the reason I breathe. I’m being a selfish son of a bitch, I’ve practically forced myself on to him tonight and I haven’t even taken a second to stop and ask him how he feels, whereas Seongie has done so many times for me “you okay Joong” he asks and I let out a choked breath and he slides his body back up the bed in a heartbeat and a tear falls from my eyes “I’m so sorry” Seonghwa says and all I could do is cry more. He takes me into his arms whispering how sorry he is. I gently push away from his chest and pathetically and he helps me wipe my tears away “there is nothing you need to apologise for Seonghwa. This is all on me, everything is my fault” I say, hesitance lacing my voice and Seonghwa frowns at me “talk to me Joong” he says and I realise he never said anything to my revelation before, we just jumped straight down each other’s throat and now our relationship is irreversibly changed. 

“Seonghwa” I say into the darkness but funnily enough I can see clearer than ever, my hand moves the piece of flyaway hair from his forehead “please tell me I haven’t ruined everything. You’ll stay with me forever right, you promised” I sigh and I’m thankful for the night because there I go being there worst person in the world. Seonghwa clutches my hands in his “you should no by now that there is almost nothing that can break our friendship Joong” our friendship. What if confessing my love is that something that does have to potential to destroy it “Hongjoong, just calm down okay. I’m not going anywhere, A lot has happened tonight, a lot has been said and done and I just need some time to process it okay. I’m sorry for jumping the gun, I should’ve been more considerate” he doesn’t say anything else and I completely understand what he’s saying. I’ve had years to come to terms with my feelings, he’s known for an hour but try telling that to my stupid heart that drops a little “will you just stop apologising to me? Seonghwa I’m losing my mind, why can’t you be an asshole right now. Tell me to fuck off” I shout with more than I meant too. I wish he would express more right now, I can’t tell if he wants to stay or bolt and it’s putting more pressure on me because usually I can read him like the back of my hand “tell me when was the last time I told you to fuck off Hongjoong” he says and I frown “never huh? And I won’t tonight. We will work through this together, Joong and Seongie, the way it’s always been” he says and my heart lifts a little. Maybe we will be okay.   
The next morning I wake and my body hurts, I stretch in bed and a smile forms on my face while nervousness settles in my stomach. That turns into dread when I realise the other side of my bed is empty. Seonghwa is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhoh :/


	10. Chapter 10

There’s this thing I do, something my grandma passed on to me and that is sitting in a crowded café looking out to a main road. I can’t tell you how many hours my grandmother and I spent drinking tea and just watching. Watching the different animals that wonder up onto the side walk, the screaming kids and exhausted parents, the cute young couples bouncing down the road holding hands. I’d look up at my grandma and question why she does this “_all these different people Joongie, each and everyone different from the next. Different thoughts and beliefs, different ages and skin colours. This is humans in their most purest form. Sitting here right now, we have no idea what each of them are going through, if this young lady is happy or sad, or that older man is healthy or in pain. They’re just walking along getting on with their lives”_ I remember watching and wanting to know the story of every person I saw, wondering what they did and if they were content in life.   
I learnt so much about people by just watching and the most important thing I learnt, was that you never know what someone is thinking. Waking up alone this morning hit hard, no matter how much you know someone and I know every single thing about Seonghwa you really don’t know what’s going on in their heads. Sure I can tell when he’s lying, only because his lips twitch or when he’s disappointed but that’s because his face drops and he scratches the back of his neck. I know when he’s using all of his different emotions only because he has telltales but as for his thoughts? No way.

I’m not angry that he’s gone, I completely understand how overwhelmed he must be but I just wished he could’ve just talked to me more. So now I’m sat here at a shopping centre watching people walk past me without a care in the world, it’s funny, I keep looking to my right expecting to see my grandma right there. “I thought I’d find you here” I look up surprised to see San standing in front of me, he’s got that look on his face where he knows something’s up with Seonghwa. “Did he send you?” I ask sounding way more bitter than intended. San sits down with a sigh “how are you?” He asks and I cringe at the hot tea on my tongue “I’m great San, I’m pretty sure I just ruined everything because I got too caught up and this is exactly why I kept my mouth shut for all these years” I whine and push my head into my folded arms on the table. “I knew it was going to be sunshine and rainbows where me and Seonghwa run off to happily ever after. I knew every single consequence that could happen, no, that did happen but I still did it” I laugh and Sans face grown even more concerned “and you know what’s even more fucked up San-ah? I don’t regret it. I’m so fucking tired” I admit and San is quiet for a while. He grabs my hands and squeezes “I’m so proud of you” he says and I frown “just give him a minute Joongie, Hyung is 20 years behind but don’t write him off yet. Let him have a minute to get his head around it”.

I give him the entire day actually, I’ve written out more texts and then deleted them then I can count. He doesn’t come home and I’m more worried than anything, I feel my phone vibrate and my fingers shake unlocking it._ “Go to sleep Joongie”_ he knows how worried I would be, he knows how close to pulling out my hair. I scream into my pillow before I strip and burrow myself in bed. I fall asleep with Seonghwa on my brain, nothing fucking new there.

I woken by the front door being closed and I hear him cursing at the sound of it, no matter how gentle you push that fucker it’s still loud enough for the half dead. I squeeze my eyes shut when my bedroom door opens and I wait on baited breath. Seonghwa pulls the covers back and climbs into bed right behind me, his arm wraps loosely around my front and I’m stone frozen “I’m sorry” he whispers into my ear and I exhale, trying to appear normal but my heart falls when I smell alcohol on his breath, it’s subtle but it’s there. “Go back to sleep Joong” he says before snuggling in tighter. Sleep barely comes for me but sometime during the night, Seonghwa’s left. Again. 

Night four and I can’t take it anymore, I’m trying to give him space, I’m trying my damn hardest but when he’s coming into my room every night, apologising before wrapping me up in his body and then leaving before I wake is sending me into mental decline. I’m not sure what he’s wanting from me right now and yet I don’t say anything. He presses me into his front and he inhales, his nose brushing my back and his fingers splayed across my stomach and it just slips out “are you going to leave again?” He tenses slightly but doesn’t reply.

San opens his arms the second he sees me standing in his doorway “bubs” he says and like the weak man I am I shuffle into his embrace. “Come here Joong hyung” Yeosang says from the living room and I end up between the two brothers “so you finally said something huh? And it blew up in your face” Yeosang says and both San and I whack him. “Ow, okay. Calm down, it’s really not the end of the world. Plenty of people get rejected, although it’s not everyday that it’s done by your best friend” I swear to god this kid doesn’t want to live. He dodges the next hits before he wraps his little arms around me “seriously hyung, just talk to him. Stop letting him jump into your bed and have an actual conversation with him. Explain how it’s been for you the past twenty years. Seonghwa Hyung has just had this massive bomb thrown on him and you two went straight to jumping each others bones. Even I know it can’t work like that” Yeosang says and I look at him, how is this kid so mature already “Seonghwa doesn’t process things like we do, you know that” he adds and I know exactly what he means, Seonghwa tends to bottle things up until there’s to much pressure, I don’t want that. “You know kid, you’re going to make someone real happy one day” I say and watch as the younger mans cheeks blush “still can’t take a compliment huh” he punches my side and I yelp. 

Wooyung finds the three of us curled up like that asleep hours later and he’s not even surprised. I am surprised though when I see a young guy standing with him, a cute little thing. He looks at me and then looks away nervously, I look at Wooyung confused and I’m getting more confused by the second because everything is just silent, Wooyung just nods at Yeosang and I realise this must be the little boyfriend. And then I realise just how I’m laying. I’m completely wrapped around Yeosang, completely as in his face in buried in my neck and I’m half on top of him, leg thrown over and everything “don’t stress Sangie” I whisper and he stirs “I think someone is here for you” his eyes pop open and I’m quite literally thrown off of him. 

I laugh and cuddle into San, watching Yeosang mumble awkwardly “I’m sorry babe, I lost track of time and uh.. um” he looks at me “Hi, I’m Hongjoong, Yeosang’s hyung” i say with a smile “right, I’ve mentioned him before. Jongho this is Hyung’s best friend since I was a baby” Jongho bows politely and I smile even more, he’s so cute. I look to Yeosang and lift my eyebrows and he rolls his eyes “anyway let’s go, these old guys are boring” he drags him out of the room with the three of us glaring at their backs.

“You okay bubs?” Wooyung takes Yeosang’s spot and I smile at his nickname, San and Wooyung are the only two people in the entire world who’s allowed to call me that “mm, I’ll be okay. Surprisingly Yeosang made me open my eyes a little” I reach for Sans hand “you raised him so well Sannie, you should be proud. You too Woo” they both quiet, not expecting that but I really am so proud of them. Both of them so young, found love, fought for it with many obstacles hurdling their way but they made it through every one. A lot happened with San and Yeosang’s parents that made it unfit for Yeosang to live with them so his big brother took him in, it was hard for everyone at first but now all three are flourishing. “Thank you Hyung but you know just how much help you and Seongie-hyung gave us. We wouldn’t have survived without you two” I smile at him “were family”. 

I get home later that day and Seonghwa is home, I can hear him. I sit on the couch nervously, we need to talk honestly and openly. I need to know if this is it. His bedroom door opens and I can’t even look at him. He walks into my eyes view and I’m shocked when he drops into a full bow right in front of me “what is this Seongie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, things are coming along. Comments and kudos are appreciated. What do you guys think? ^_^


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I apologies for any mistakes laying around :)

“Seonghwa?” I question and kneel beside him on the floor “I’m sorry, I woke up and you where gone and I felt like the biggest piece of shit. I’m sorry Joong” I can just make out the words he says into his arms. “Look at me” I say and wait. It takes him a few minutes but eventually he slowly rises into a sitting position. “I’m not angry, this was unnecessary” I smile at him, he’s always been a little to dramatic “you’re not angry?” He repeats “I’m not. I’m confused and anxious and I don’t know what to think. I feel like my brain is going to explode and I wish you would just say something” I blurt out with a deep exhale and I push my fingers into my temple “I wish you would talk to me” I say softer, looking to the ground. Seonghwa releases a shaky breath “Hongjoong, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I have no idea where to start and I don’t want anyone to get hurt” he says and all I’m thinking is, too late. 

I look at him and I notice how tired he looks, the late night finishes and the early morning escapes, along with my truth bomb has taken a toll on him and I hate myself. “Why now?” He asks, his beautiful lips wobbling and you know what hurts? He can’t look at me but It’s out now, I’ve said things that can’t be taken back, there’s no point beating around the bush and I don’t want to hide anything for a second longer “there’s been a million reasons over the years but I squashed every single one down. Honestly it was when I was in hospital, that was the tipping point. I knew as soon as I woke up that I wanted you to know the truth” and to just be sure he conveniently forgot what I was talking “that I wanted you to know I love you. More than a friend should”. Seonghwa looks everywhere but my eyes and I can feel my heart crack “what’s the deal with the last couple of nights?” I ask and Seonghwa sighs “I couldn’t bare the thought of you hating me but then the coward that I am leaves before you wake and I apologise. Here you are being honest and I just run” Seonghwa pushes the hair from his face roughly “I’ve been running since the day you took me in your arms after Dad left” I say one hundred percent honest and Seonghwa finally looks at me, his deep almost black eyes penetrating and I lose my concentration “I just want you to understand one thing” I shuffle forward, our knees almost touching and he waits for me to continue on held breath “I could never hate you Park Seonghwa, never”. He swallows and my eyes watch his throat move “when?” Is all he asks and I tamp down my nerves “the day my father left. You where the only person who I wanted to console me. The only person I felt safe with. Of course I didn’t know shit about love then, I barely do now but I knew that it was something different, something special” I say staring into his eyes “life went on, you became my strength. We went through high school and all of those shit times you held me through. I came out, you came out but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was and I am still a selfish person and I couldn’t lose you, that is just not an option”. I finish my sentence and it hangs in the silence, I give him a minute to process and I can almost hear his mind going into overdrive, this is too much. “But you had partners, you had boyfriends” he says, trying to wrap his head around it “so did you Park” I reply and he opens his mouth to answer back but nothing comes out “I had years of gayness on you. We both knew I liked boys from early on, you came out a lot later and when you did it was the hardest thing I’ve watched you do. You bloomed into this perfect little gay flower and just flourished” I say and smile when his cheeks darken and my heart pounds. “Over my dead body was I going to hold you back, so I shut my mouth. I let you discover your true self. Our relationship as friends just kept getting stronger, we made it through high school and then college. Then we were adults and life just hit us a hundred miles per hour, right?” Seonghwa nods, agreeing. It was really no question that we would live together, we had been talking about it since our second year of college, it just was. 

We enter that silent space, where it’s not quite awkward, just quiet. We eye each other warily and I have this overwhelming urge to just burst out laughing, it really is a problem of mine. “I can’t believe we’re actually sitting down talking about this” I’ve thought up every possible scenario over the years about me coming clean about my feelings, this feels like it’s going to well. “It must’ve come as such a shock right? I’m sorry about how I handled it the other night” I apologise again, jumping his bones was not supposed to happen “I’m a little overwhelmed Joong, there isn’t a right or wrong way to talk about this but you were right, our relationship has changed” he starts and my body tenses, I have no idea what he’s about to say when his eyes widen “you must’ve gone through so much Hongjoong” he says biting his bottom lip and I smile hesitantly “I did” I agree and a tiny frown forms on his face and I just want to reach out and smooth the lines that mar his forehead “I feel like the worst friend in the world right now Hongjoong, how could I have not known? Oh my god, all those times I asked you to be my boyfriend, all those times you got rid of the stage five clingers for me. Fuck” he pulls at his hands and now I do laugh “stop, your hair is already falling out. I did those things because I loved you not because I was in love with you, there’s a difference” I detangle his hands from his hair and I squeeze them “tell me what you’re thinking, why are you not running for the hills?” I joke but he just sends me a exasperated look “I’m considering it” he says and dodges my fists, instead he inks his fingers with mine and I stare at our joined hands, we’ve held hands like this a million times but.. “it feels different” he mumbles, Seonghwa is also staring at our hands. I nod silently because it truly does “tell me what is going through your mind Seongie” I say and he looks up and into my eyes. “There’s too much going on in there right now, I’m thinking about our entire lives, I’m trying to think I’ve signs over saw over the years, have I just ignored everyone? When you told me you loved me the other night I felt like someone just pulled the blanket from my eyes and suddenly everything I knew changed” he says squeezing our hands tighter, I stay silent wanting him to finish “that night I found you passed out in bed, sweating and clammy was the first time I experienced true heart pain and then hearing the doctors speak about possibly placing you in a coma I thought I was having a heart attack, our entire lives flashed before my eyes” I smile sadly and I drag my thumb across his hand. “I know it’s a lot Seonghwa and we might not have a romantic future together but I just need to know that I haven’t ruined our friendship” he stares at what feels like my soul, he’s always had the ability to stop me with one look. He lets go of my hands and I wait and watch as he brings one hand up to my face. He runs his fingers over my features so damn gently I can feel my eyes dampen “you always did this to me and I could never see the appeal” he whispers as he slowly drags his thumb across my cheek and then agonisingly slow across my bottom lip, Seonghwa’s eyes turn black and my stomach tightens “until now” he looks back up to my eyes “I can’t tell you what’s going to happen and I know it’s selfish but I just need you to bare with me while I sort through everything but I can tell you with everything I have is that I will not run tomorrow morning Kim Hongjoong” he whispers and my eyes close involuntarily. Right now, that is more than perfect. 

I open my eyes to the morning lights peaking through the blinds, a heavy hand rest on my stomach and I could vomit with happiness right now, I won’t of course but Seonghwa didn’t leave and the smile spreads until I’m a hot sappy mess. He’s still here and I’m on cloud nine “I promised didn’t I?” His gravelly morning voice had the hair on the back of my neck stand and my body tenses and my body tenses. Seonghwa wraps himself around my body tighter and I’ve got a dangerous feeling that I could easily get used to this. I’m so happy right now but I remember one thing that brings me hurdling back to earth “Jaewon” his name feels foreign on my tongue and my stomach sours, Seonghwa tenses “I broke things off the day after I kissed you Hongjoong” he whispers and my body uncoils slightly “everything has changed, it wasn’t fair on any of us” I roll over to face him and I’m still to this day struck by his absolute beauty. My eyes flit over every crevice of his face and I smile and watch a gorgeous blush spread down his neck “this is new” I comment and he squirms in my arms “stop staring at me then” I shake my head “never”. We stare silently but something’s shifted this morning, something new is happening and just the thought has my skin tingling “can I kiss you?” He whispers, inching closer and I nod “I think I’ll die if you don’t” he presses our foreheads together, our eyes still connected “kiss me Park”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, we are nearing the end and I’m so anxious!!!! We getting smutty next ;)  
Comments and kudos super appreciated <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smutty smut  
I suck at editing, excuse any mistakes

I’ve been living on cloud nine, with a semi permanent smile formed on my face for almost a week now. That smile turns into a whiny frown only when I have to leave Seonghwa for work “I don’t want to” i whinge and it sounds foreign to my ears, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard myself like this before. Seonghwa smiles back at me in the mirror we are both standing in. We’re both getting ready for work and he tightens his black tie, my eyes follow the movement and I swallow. I’ve always found everything he did hot but now its like everything has been heightened “stop looking at me like that” he mumbles when he sees me staring and he turns to me. I’m quicker though, I grab him by his new tie and pull us together until our bodies are flushed “I will never” I stomp my foot and Seonghwa fails to hide the smile and I tug the tie a little more, catching him off guard. I tip toe slightly and catch his lips with mine, his hands automatically find their way to my waist. I open my mouth and he takes advantage of it quick, I groan into the kiss when I taste the faint tooth paste on his tongue. I steady my self using his shoulders ready for more but he drags his face away “Joongie” he says painfully eyes still closed and he drops his head on my shoulder “we both need to go to work” he says it like those words hurt him and I know how much he didn’t want to stop, I smile into his neck. I pepper sweet kisses all the way up his jaw and I feel it clench “do we really?” I leave an open mouth kissed right at the corner of his mouth and Seonghwa squints his eyes at me “you play dirty Kim” he says and hooks a leg around my waist sending me hurdling into him, our crotches meeting dangerously close.

I can feel my eyes melt and other parts of me harden and I curse him, even though I started it and this is exactly what I wanted. The entire weekend we were inseparable, always touching in one way or another. We talked and kissed and spent our first nights together just completely wrapped up in each other, we might be going to fast and it makes me anxious to think that Seonghwa hasn’t mad much time to really think about things. That’s exactly the reason I haven’t taken it past some pretty hot make out sessions, we are both not ready for the whole deal. Seonghwa rolls his hips against mine and my eyes roll back “I can play just as dirty” he whispers against my ear and every hair stands up on my body, I shiver in his arms as he nips at that sensitive spot under my ear. He rolls his hips again and I make this noise that no one should understand but he somehow does “hmm, should we fix this little problem Joongie?” He says licking a strip up my neck to my jaw and I go slack, praying to god Seonghwa has enough strength to keep up both up “I’ll take that as a yes” he says and before I know what’s happening he grabs the underneath of my thighs, lifts me completely and switches our positions. He sets me on the bathroom counter and my mouth drops open “you love to man handle me don’t you?” I say not complaining and just by the heat on my cheeks, Seonghwa knows this. “More than anything in the world” he says staring into my eyes and he pops the button to my slacks with one hand “fucking hell” I mumble and watch his hands as he slowly unzips the pants, fucking tease.

Finally after what feels like an eternity he frees me and my head falls back hard against the mirror “mmm, I take back my comment before about the ‘little problem’” he says and his thumb rubs over the tip of my cock “certainly not little” he applies pressure, fisting me right here in our bathroom. I try to look anywhere else but Seonghwa but his eyes just keep luring mine back “can I taste you Joong?” He asks so suddenly my cock twitches in his hand and the heat spreads to my neck “you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with Seongie” I say honestly and he nods, slowly dropping to his knees. When I tell you it’s fucking strange seeing your best friend kneeling eye level and staring at your dick, it truly is but the sight awakens something in me, something I really believed was never possible, my heat engulfs my entire body and my stomach clenches in anticipation. Seonghwa licks his lips and looks up at me and I might as well pass away right now. Seonghwa lowers his head and I feel like I could come right now, I groan at the first touch of his hot tongue, he flattens it a licks up the entire length before taking me as far as he can into his wet heat.

My hands instinctively bury themselves in his hair while he fucks me with his mouth. I come to notice real fucking quick that he doesn’t have a gag reflex and my cock jumps in his mouth at that realisation causing Seonghwa to look up to me and my heart just about jumps out of my throat, he doesn’t take his eyes of mine again. My fingers tighten around his soft hair but when I notice a little spit running down his chin, I swipe my thumb across it and Seonghwa’s eyes turn black. Never losing his rhythm, he watches as I bring my thumb to my mouth and I moan sucking on it. Seonghwa speeds up, his head moving faster and faster, his fingers digging almost painfully into the sides of my thighs and everything is so fucking much, my brain short circuits and “I’m going to come Seongie.. I uhh… fuck me” I warn him but he takes me further into his mouth and I can’t do anything to prolong it. I come harder than I ever have before and I’m certain our neighbours can hear but I don’t have it in me to give a shit right now. I watch, heavily breathing as he swallows everything I shot down his beautiful throat, never losing a drop. He stands and I reach for the tie again and his eyes widen when I kiss him so dirty, our tongues fighting and it’s filthy but I want more, I want it all. I wrap my legs around him completely and he moans when I suck on his tongue. Seonghwa pulls away and attempts to catch his breath “you are filthy Kim Hongjoong” he says proudly and I just about combust. 

I’m at work later that day and my mind can’t help but to flit back to those memories, it dangerous and I spot Yejin from across the desk looking at me like she knows all of my secrets “you got some didn’t you?” She whisper yells and I roll my eyes, maybe she has a better read on me than I thought “why bother whispering if you’re going to yell? The whole office heard” I poke my tongue at her “you’ve always been an over exaggerator Joong” she says and I smile, I totally have. The day drags its ass and I can’t wait to get home. “Go Joong, you’re starting to make me excited and I’m just going home to Tae’s lazy ass” Yejin says and I laugh before thanking her and making my way home. 

Seonghwa greets me at the door and I’m surprised “you’re home early?” I ask kissing him sweetly and he coos, apparently we are those people? “So are you” he wraps his arms entirely around my body and we stumble into the living room, my foot kicking the door shut as we move away. “Couldn’t concentrate” he mumbles in between ravishing my mouth, I drop my neck and his lips attach straight away “me neither” 

“I fucking knew it” We jump apart like cold water was thrown on us and I look to the open to doorway. Seonghwa starts choking and San just stands there with his arms crossed looking fucking proud of himself and Wooyungie slightly behind him embarrassed. “You’ve both been completely checked out this week and I knew something happened. I’m so proud, okay I’ll leave now. Continue” San waves his hand and walks back out the door like nothing happened, Seonghwa just stares at me with his mouth like he can’t believe that just happened and I just start laughing, fucking hell

“I’m never going to stop hearing about this you know right?” I say collapsing on the lounge “how long has he known? Because he didn’t looked shocked right now” Seonghwa mentions, sitting down next to me reaching for my fingers “Sans says he knew the day we all met but we were eight, that kid didn’t know shit” I smile thinking back “it was our first year of high school, Jihyo kissed you right in front of me and my little 13 year old heart didn’t take it well” thinking back now I laugh but fuck was I hurt back then, Seonghwa didn’t see me, hell he didn’t even kiss her back but I ran off and San followed. I’m sure it was the first time that I realised Seonghwa wasn’t actually mine and that cut real deep. “You got angry? I didn’t even kiss her back and besides you’ll always be my first kiss anyway” he says coyly, squeezing my fingers and my cheeks colour “oh my god, I can’t believe you remember that” I’m full on blushing right now, Seonghwa has never talked about it, like ever. 

We were seven and just playing in the park, our Moms off gossiping when Seonghwa just walks over to me and plants a big old wet one on my lips. I just about died and he just giggled and went on his merry way. “I realise now, that innocent kiss might not have been just the beginning” he says and I look at him shocked “your skills have improved a little” I pat him on the chest and he scoffs “just a little huh, get over here” he gently pulls the neck of my shirt and I climb onto his lap “let me show you just how much” he lowers me with a heavy hand on my neck and I completely melt into him. His kiss is slow and dirty and I lose all control of my senses “mmm definitely improved” he licks into my mouth “I haven’t even begun” he whispers and rolls his hips upwards. Seonghwa turns my head and manages to reach even deeper and I scramble forward, pushing myself down hard onto his crotch, I can feel how hard he is through all of our layers. 

We both freeze when we hear a knock at the door “ignore” he harshly nips at my jaw and down my neck sucking hard, surely enough to bruise. I hear it again and I groan “just let me see who it is” Seonghwa whines as I detangle myself from him “just wait a second yeah?” He nods to my below regions and I flip him off. I walk to the door extra slowly and then open it, I freeze when I see two teenagers standing behind it. Two teenagers who look uncannily like me “Hongjoong right? Kim Hongjoong?” The younger girl says, the boy stays quiet, staring. “Who is it Joong?” Seonghwa calls from behind me. It’s my younger brother and sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe two more chapters left? Comments and Kudos appreciated ❤️


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suck at editing but what’s new?

There has been countless times when I have imagined my younger siblings, not know a damn thing about them besides them existing. Since that day many years ago when I first came to know I had younger siblings many things have crossed my mind. Are they close? With each other and with their father? Did they know about me? What do they have that I didn’t? I stop myself at that train of toxic thoughts “does your Father know you two are here?” Seonghwa says cautiously, handing the two a cup of tea. What kids drink tea? I haven’t been able to say anything yet, I still can’t believe my little brother and sister are sitting right there. They both look away at Seonghwa’s question and I sigh “why’d you come?” I ask and all three look at me “how’d you even find out where I live?” I say with frustration. I don’t mean to be bitter, I really don’t want to be and any other time I’d be kicking myself in the face for the way I’m acting but right this second, I’m confused and anxious, not sure what’s happening right now. Seonghwa places his hand on my thigh and I instantly calm

“have a Wikipedia page. We found out where you work and kind of followed you home” my mouth drops open, I can’t believe I have a wiki page that I don’t even know about. “That’s crazy you know right? Why?” I say exhausted and Seonghwa squeezes his hand “I told you this was a bad idea Hyejin-ah, let’s go” the boy stands up “sit down” I say and he frowns at me but does what he’s told “Dad wouldn’t tell us shit about you. After the other day I begged and he wouldn’t tell us nothing. It’s bullshit, we have a right to know our bother” Hyejin says, her cheeks colouring and she wipes roughly at her tears. I smile involuntarily because this girl is me through and through “watch your language” and she huffs at me “what’s your name?” I ask the boy “Kim Jihyun” he mutters and I nod. “I’m not sure what you two are expecting to happening right now but if you’re.. our father won’t say anything about the situation I’m not either, I know it’s not fair” I say when I notice Hyejin about to blow off “it’s not fair, we have known about you a whole 3 days. Did you know about us? Do you even want to know us?” Jihyun says and I stop at the emotion in his voice and I realise just how much this is for them too. “I knew about you” I say and both their eyes flash hurt 

“I was in my senior year of high school, I was worried I was getting into college or not, hadn’t got my acceptance letter and my scholarship hadn’t been approved yet. I had a rough childhood and school life and I mean rough” I push and both of them listening intent and I grab Seonghwa’s hand for support “we were walking home one day and I saw all of you. You all looked happy, so happy my heart broke” my lip wobbles and funnily enough the three of us itch our noses at the same time “I got home that afternoon and there was both my acceptance letter and scholarship papers. I just had to move on with my life” the four of us sit in silence as they take in what I’m saying. “I’m sorry” Hyejin apologises and I look up at her, a small tear running down her face and Jihyun grabs her hand “I didn’t think how much this affected you. I never thought that you might not have wanted to meet us” she cries and my façade falters “I just thought it would be better for everyone, you had your family and I had mine. Our father left me when I was 5 years old. You two came along and I had never seen him so happy than I did that day. I’m sorry” Jihyun looks at me and my stomach drops, I know that look “not everything is always as happy on the inside as it appears on the outside Hyung” he says and I swallow, nodding. I know that more than anyone.

“It’s late and your phones have been vibrating. Go home” I say and I can’t bare the look in their eyes. I look to Seonghwa and squeeze my eyes shut, he’s got the same damn look. “Look, here’s my number. Talk to your Dad and then message me. Get home safely” 

I collapse onto Seonghwa as soon as I walk out of the shower, I’m completely exhausted. Seonghwa runs his fingertips up my back and I sigh, my cheek rubbing on his chest. “They look so much like you” he whispers and I nod “Hyejin might me my twin, I’m almost convinced” I say and Seonghwa laughs “she sure has your temper and doesn’t know how to control her emotions”. I play with a loose thread on his pyjama top “what should I do?” I ask him because there is no one in this world beside my Mom who’s opinion I value more “I can’t make that call Joongie. There’s obviously something happening at home and they just found out they have a big brother. They’re only teenagers, that’s a lot to comprehend” a lift up slightly and place my chin on his chest “what would I do without you?” I ask and he rolls his eyes “you’d die, I’m sure of it” yeah I’m sure of it too. 

“I still can’t believe you have kid siblings, I mean I knew you did but now that you’re actually talking to them and hanging out with them it’s weird” San says as he walks into my house. “Jihyun is a couple months younger than Sangie but I know what you mean, it is so strange” I agree with San, it’s only been a couple of weeks and only a handful of times we’ve met but the bonds already formed “but in a good way, I don’t think I will have a relationship with my Dad, too much has happened and that’s just the way it is so it’s nice to have formed a relationship with Hyejin and Jihyun” I smile thinking back to when we first met. The two didn’t even make it down the road before texting me. They made it home and had a heated conversation with their father who eventually gave in and let them see me freely. 

It was awkward the first few times, Seonghwa helped by just being there but then I met them alone and it was just silence for a while. Then it wasn’t, we all developed diarrhoea of the mouth and couldn’t stop talking. I felt like I’ve known them my entire life and now the two just rock up to my house whenever. “How’s Seonghwa?” San brings me out of my own mind and I smile “he’s seriously perfect. San I don’t know why I didn’t tell him earlier” I sigh and San rolls his eyes “hmm I was only telling you to for years” I smile sweetly at him “he’s always been my rock but now it’s just different. Now it’s more intense and I know if I laid my life down in his hands, I would be completely safe and now I get to fuck him, so that’s a bonus” I say and San punches me “you’re disgusting” I laugh and lay down with San on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Thank you San-ah” I say into the silent space, San turns his head to look at me “what for?” He asks “there’s to many things to list so I’ll just say, thank you for being one of the best friends anyone could ask for” I reply and turn to look at him “you never have to thank me for that Joongie, being your friend is my most easiest and by far the best job I’ve ever had. Without you, Yeosang would be who knows where in the system and I don’t even know what would’ve happen to me. So thank you” he smiles and a tear leaks from his eye.

A couple hours later the front door opens and I’m fully expecting Seonghwa to walk through it but it’s Jihyun “hey kid, what’s up?” I say confused, it’s late and his entire aura is off. “Hyejin is at dance and I don’t feel like going home yet, can I hang?” He asks, not looking me in the eye. “Of course, just give me a minute. Help yourself to anything if you’re hungry or thirsty” I quickly finish the house chores before returning to Jihyun sitting in the lounge room, cap and hair over his face “alright, what’s going on?” I ask sitting down next to him and I notice the bruise “Jihyun” I lift his head up gently by his jaw and he looks away from me “what happened?” 

He clenches his jaw and I get up to find the first aid, I return and he shakes his head “if you’re not going to talk kid, at least let me do this”. I peel the hair from his forehead and place antiseptic cream under his eye, there’s a small cut and he hisses a little “it’s gonna be a nice little shiner there” I clean up the wound and place a small bandage over the cut “Seonghwa Hyung patched me up just like this many, many times. A lot worse wounds than this too, the big kids used to love me for some reason” I smile and Jihyun looks at me and he takes a deep breath “some kids at school caught me kissing my boyfriend, he’s not out yet and it’s just one big fucking shit show” he says and swallows, looking away and I clench my fists. I seriously feel for this kid, I know exactly what he’s going through “Kai won’t answer my calls or texts and I got beat the fuck up” he says twisting his hands.  
I put mine over his “I’m sorry kid, I know that doesn’t count for much but I’ve been in your exact position” he looks at me and his lips wobble “I really don’t want to cry right now” Jihyun says and I smile “I won’t tell anyone if you do” he laughs and then sighs “he’s the captain of the soccer team” he laughs cynically and I cringe “I’m pretty sure we’re done” Jihyun looks over to me and smiles “the first person I every had interest in beside Seonghwa hyung was a town senator’s son. The town senator who wouldn’t be caught dead with a gay son” Jihyun’s silent, listening “he was the new kid in school, he took interest in me when everyone wanted him. I fell hard, he treated me all the right ways. Until I have him my virginity” I explain and Jihyun tenses “from that point forward I guarded my heart heavily. I never gave myself to anyone but Seonghwa unless I knew it in my heart I wasn’t going to get burnt. One day I just stopped, I stopped being so hard on myself, always watching my back, always assuming people have bad intentions towards me and I started living my life properly” I remember that day like it was the back of my hand. My eyes opened and I saw myself so damn clearly my chest hurt. “Don’t do what I did kid, you need to be yourself and never settle for anything less than what you deserve” He’s silent and I hope to god he takes in everything I just said. 

Something moves from the corner of my eye and I see Seonghwa standing at the door way, I didn’t even hear the door open. He’s looking at the both of us with so much fondness in his eyes I feel like I’m floating. “Hi baby” he says walking into the room “that’s gonna be pretty tomorrow Jihyun” he says sitting on my lap. Jihyun’s cheeks colour and I smile, wrapping my arms around Seongie “it’s starting to sting now, I haven’t felt anything until right now” he says, poking the area and Seonghwa knocks his hand away “don’t do that, the adrenaline is wearing off, go put some ice on it” he nods to the fridge and Jihyun gets up. Seonghwa turns in my arms and gives me a sweet kiss “hi” I whisper on his lips and peck them one more time before Jihyun clears his throat “I’m going to get going, thank you hyung. For everything” he says scuffing his feet “anytime kid, you’re my little brother and now that I know that, I’ll always be here for anything you need. I mean that” I say with dead serious and Jihyun looks at me with damp eyes. 

“I love you” Seonghwa says a few minutes after Jihyun leaves our house. I freeze and my head shoots up and he’s staring at me. Did I hear correct? “I love you Kim Hongjoong” I literally throw myself onto his lap, straddling his thighs “all of the sudden?” I say calmly even though I want to scream at the top of my lungs “no not all of the sudden you dick, I’ve loved you since probably the first day I laid eyes on you” he says and I quite literally melt in his arms, he thumbs circles on the skin at my hips “I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realise that” he whispers and I shake my head. “I would’ve waited a lifetime to hear you say that” I capture his mouth and give my entire being to Seonghwa. Over the last two decades we’ve said those words countless times to each other but right now, the way he’s just said them, is everything. “I love you too” I whisper and I see his eyes darken “take me Park Seonghwa, I’m yours”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting close to the end now, should I do one last bombshell? Idk  
Comments and Kudos are always appreciated


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back and I truly do suck at editing, so, sorry for any mistakes lying around

You ever feel like your life is going too right? Like everything you’ve ever wanted, you finally have. That’s me right now, I’m pretty certain I’m on cloud nine. My relationship with Seonghwa is gaining strength everyday, I’m learning new things about him even after all of time, like the way his body moves and contorts when I touch him a certain way, or how the colour of his eyes change according to his emotions. 

All these little trivial things I never realised when we were just friends but forever loving now that we are more. My relations with my brother and sister also grows every time we see each other and now I can’t see a life without the two little shits. The thing with feeling on top of the world is that there’s no where more to go, besides down. 

It’s been weeks of utter content in my life but I am Kim Hongjoong and my luck is shocking “Mr Kim, there’s a Yunho in the lobby” I look up from my computer and stare blankly at Jeongin my personal assistant “Jeong Yunho” she repeats and I blink. Yunho? Sunflower Yunho? “Oh? Um, send him in” I stutter in my confusion. A minute later he walks in, as beautiful as ever and I blink again, taken aback. It seems I’ve forgotten the beauty his whole being radiates even though it’s only been a couple of months “Hyung” he says smiling and hugs me “surprise” he smiles and I can’t help but return it “what are you doing up here Yunho? How did you even find out where I work?” I ask him as we sit down “you know you do have a wiki page right?” He says and I laugh, damn wiki page “well I’m happy to see you anyway, how are you?” I ask and I can feel the change in the air right away, he’s nervous. “Mingi asked me to marry him” he says and my body breaks out in sweat. My mouth kind of lolls open and I just stare, Song Mingi asked someone to marry him, he asked a man to marry him none the less. 

Yunho looks happy, happy enough anyway but something is not sitting right in my stomach “he explained what happened Joong-hyung” he stares down sadly at his fingers and a knot rises, setting itself nicely in my throat. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say right now? So I ask “what is this Yunho? What is happening here?” Yunho slowly looks up at me and I swallow “he wants to apologise, he would’ve came in here right now but I stopped him. He told his Father and his father lost his shit for a little while, he told me everything and I wasn’t in a great mindset after that. We’re not getting married until Mingi is completely and one hundred percent free. And that means, making up the mistakes he made” Yunho speaks but my mind is racing, Mingi finally grew a set of balls and I’m sure meeting Yunho did that for him, to bad he hurt so many people before it happened “hyung” Yunho says in a small voice “I know he was not a nice person, he was an immature and scared kid who had no regard of anyone else’s feelings but his own. Im not going to force anything and you can say no right now but would you just think about it?” He’s desperate, I can hear it in his voice, he hates that Mingi was an asshole in another life. I just don’t know if I have it in me but then I think about all that’s happened in my life, how damn happy I’ve been. How I’ve been through so much shit and come out on top, talking to Mingi right now will do nothing to me emotionally except maybe provide me with some closure “I’ll think about it Yunho, okay? I’m not promising anything” he smiles and he seems really happy “are you happy Yunho?” I ask him “I truly think I might be Hyung”

“What are you going to do? Are you going to talk to him?” Seonghwa asks, pressing his lips to my sweat slicked forehead. Our naked bodies twisted together in my bed and I’ve just told him about Yunho’s visit today. I tighten my arms around his stomach and sigh “you know how much he hurt me Seonghwa, he ripped my goddamn heart out and left it lying there on that bathroom floor but that wasn’t the worst part. I really thought he saw me, the real me. He was so gentle and said all of the right things but I was just so deprived of attention that I took everything he gave me. I gave my ass on a platter to the first person who took notice and I hated myself for a long time” I laugh sadly, I never hated him. Not even once, any anger or sadness I felt toward him, I felt toward myself ten times as much. I feel Seonghwa turn ice in my arms and I run circles over his velvet skin with my fingers “he courted you so well, I just stood there and watched him take my best friend away. I have never felt so much anger then I did in that moment when I saw you. After everything that happened you protected him even when he took so much from you and I know you Joong, I know you are going to talk to him” my eyes find his and they’re molten, not just from his post sex state either “talk to him, tell him everything and get some closure. You’ll let yourself free from that awful time and maybe you might just set him free too” I melt in his arms and right now, I think there’s no one in this entire world knows me better than Seonghwa. I stretch my neck and press my lips to his “I love you so much” I whisper into his mouth and our bodies become one. 

I’m fucking shitting bricks, I smack myself mentally. You’re a fully grown adult Kim Hongjoong, Mingi can’t do anything to hurt me but that doesn’t stop my brain from going haywire. All the thoughts and memories coming to the forefront of my mind, some o friends I never want to experience again. “Joong Hyung” his voice spreads goosebumps across my skin like a bush fire in the dead of summer. He sits down across from me and I can’t form words so we just stare. He cracks first and rubs his neck, Mingi is visibly nervous and uncomfortable which in fact brings me comfort, the irony. “I’m sorry” is all he says and smile “about what Mingi?” I ask exasperated and he cringes at the coldness to my voice “I’m sorry about everything Hongjoong, all of it. I was a scared little boy who thought the world owed him something. I was hurt and in turn I hurt others but I thought that was okay because I was protected by money and power. I found out soon after I screwed up with you that power and money don’t protect shit when you hurt someone. Money and power can’t protect that absolute vileness you feel inside” he says and clenches his fists and I’m shocked into silence.

“I came back you know?” He asks silently and heart spikes “I came back to see if you were okay” he says, shame written so clearly on his face as he swallows “I wasn’t” my voice cracks and he looks away.

_I reach for my phone on the bench above where I’m seated on the floor of the shower, I take it in my shaking hands not giving a shit about it getting drenched in water. “Help” one word is all I send to the only person who can right at this moment. I pull my knees up to my chest and wince when a sharp pain pierces me. A stark reminder of what I have just done, what I’ve given away. Memories from just moments ago slam around in my head. Wet bodies pressed so close together, our mouths and souls connected in the moment, hands running down my chest perfectly making my entire being shutter. Hands snaking around my back pulling me impossibly closer to him, forcing me to wrap my legs around his naked waist_. _His lips detach from mine only to reattach them to my neck and let it fall back against the shower stall. Baring my neck and my body so easily. I shake my head violently, knocking it back on the wall, anything to erase the memories. The locker door opens and I curl into myself “Hongjoong” Seonghwa’s voice echoes in the small space and for the first time since the shit hit the fan I cry. I reach up and switch the lock of the stall and Seonghwa rushes in, takes one look at me before bringing me gently into his arms. I break, my heart breaks, my body is broken and I lose it in my best friends arms._

“I walked back into the locker room disgusted and I heard it” he says and I look away, embarrassed. “The sound of you crying, slammed so hard into my chest I thought I was having a heart attack. I did that, I made you feel like that” he says running his hands through his hair harshly and I look back at him “why didn’t you say something? Anything?” Anger traces through my voice and Mingi just stares at me “what right did I have? I couldn’t face you. I was disgusted, I treated you like a piece of meat and left you to the dogs alone on the ground of a shower fucking stall” he seethes at himself and my eyes water.

“I checked out, I hated the world more so than ever, I hated myself even more than that. I got into a fight with my father that night, he knocked me out cold and sent me to my aunties the next day, with a black eyes, a concussion and the last words of “come back when you like women’” he swallows and I stare at him and I hate how my heart twists for him. “Why’d you come back?” I ask, nothing but hollowness in my voice “I met Yunho” he says and a smile forms on his face “I met him and it was all over for me. I came back but I was still the senators son, nothing was going to change that. I tried for everyone’s sake to be the good son, to be an even better partner. Than I saw you and it all just clicked, nothing changed. Nothing was going to change until I did something. I told Yunho everything and he left me” he says, eyes downcast and I’m sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting. “I told my Father everything, that he has and forever will have a gay son, I fought tooth and nail for Yunho to come back to me and now I’m here” and that’s it, we’re both completely silent.

It feels as if the entire café is silent, nothing but the last of our teas sit before us, growing colder by the minute. I don’t know what he expects to happen now but all I know is that I feel like an entire weight has been lifted of my shoulders. The weight of my seventeen year old broken soul has been wiped away with one conversation. “You hurt me beyond words Mingi, you knew about my father and about all of my issues. You knew it all and I trusted you with everything I had and you know what? After everything that happened I didn’t have it in me to hate you, I was disappointed don’t get me wrong and I was more angry with the fact that I let someone hurt me so bad”

I stop because my nose itches but I can’t breakdown now “you made me open my eyes that day Mingi, you made me realise that no one has the right to make you feel that horrible, that disgusting unless you let them. I got up, actually Seonghwa pulled me up off that ground and I vowed nothing would ever hurt me like that again” Mingi knots his hands and I feel a slight twinge, I hate making people uncomfortable but he needs to know this, I need Mingi to know this. “Thank you” I say and his head shoots up “thank you for taking your life back, thank you for apologising but most of all Mingi. Thank you for realising what you did was not okay”. “Oh Hyung?” My head snaps to see Jihyun looking down at us “ugh Hyunie you can’t just stop in the walkway like that.. Oh Joongie-oppa” Hyejin spots us next and my eyes keep sliding, of course their.. our father is there too. I look back at Mingi and he looks back and forth to everyone. Great, just great. When it rains, it really does poor huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought this chapter was important for everyone really. Hongjoong really is the man  
So definitely 1, possibly 2 chapters left. Even I’m excited to see how it’ll end.   
Comments and Kudos always appreciated 🖤


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *chapter edited*  
Im so sorry the next chapter is taking so long!!! Major writing block and I can’t find a ending quite right, I’m gonna keep working until I get it right 🖤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, sorry for any mistakes  
Ps. Smutty smut up in here

“Where’s Seonghwa-oppa?” Hyejin asks in a accusing tone and I squint my eyes at her “let’s go guys” Our father says, trying to move the kids along, obviously uncomfortable. Considering how he saw me last time, I’d be running too. Mingi clears his throat, noticing the undeniable tension that has suddenly appeared “who are you?” Hyejin asks, head nodding to Mingi and I almost laugh at the hostility in her voice “calm down Jin-ah, we’re old school mates” I can see her claws retracting and I’m really enjoying how protective she is towards Seonghwa. 

I can’t bring my eyes to his, I can’t afford to lose it right now, I’m exhausted. “I’m going to go” I stand up and Mingi follows “let me drive you home” I nod reluctantly but anything to get away right now “Hongjoong” I stop in my tracks at his voice, colour draining from my face and my heart picks up way too much “can we talk?” He asks and I start shaking involuntarily. A small hand slides through mine and squeezes it and I know it’s Hyejin “not today, just.. just one day? I.. just please?” He stutters and my eyes finally meet his and I stumble back.

I squeeze my sisters hand once before I walk away without speaking another word. “That’s my address, get me home. Now” I push out of strained lips and Mingi stares at me worried and my whole being is fuzzy. “Hongjoong? Are you okay? Was that your father?” He asks too many questions in a row and I wince at the stab of pain that slices right between my eyes. “Home.. Seonghwa” I half gasp out and I feel Mingi grow more worried. I need to breathe, just breathe. My hands twist together and I finally see my house “Hongjoong” Mingi calls as I jump out of the still moving car. 

Just as I make it to the door it flies open “Shh, breathe baby, you need to take a deep breath. I’m here Joong, Seongie’s here” he whispers right into my ear and I’m able to take a breath. My face is pressed so far into his neck and my hands twist in his shirt “my baby” he coos and all of the sudden my world rights itself. Seonghwa freezes and his arms tighten around me “I’m going to kill you” he seethes and Mingi stutters but I mumble “saw Jihyo” and I look up to Seonghwa’s eyes. They soften immediately “it was all too much, he wants to see me” I chew on my lip and Seonghwa brings his hand up and moves it away “over my dead body” he says before eyeing Mingi again “did you hurt him?” He asks and I sigh “I did, 8 years ago and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’m disgusted in myself that it’s taken years to apologise” he says and I clench my eyes shut. 

“All I ever wanted to do was to protect him and I did. After his piece of shit father left, through school and all of the bullies, we almost made it through high school mostly unscathed until you appeared” he says and I detach myself from him, partly. I glue myself to his side and clench one of his hands “whether you believe it or not I did genuinely care about you Joong, I never told you one lie and every second I spent with you was the Mingi I strived to be” he scuffs his toe on the ground in front of him “it was my first time too you know? I don’t know if you knew that” Mingi drops that bombshell and my mouth drops, Seonghwa growls from beside me and I just look between the two of them. This can’t be true right? The way Mingi handled my body did not feel like something a virgin could do. “You’re joking” I blurt and I can see his cheeks pink. I don’t mean to, I really don’t but I start laughing. Like howling and both men stare at me like I’ve lost the plot and I think I have.  
  
Tears are running down my face and Seonghwa rubs my back “Joong, you good?” He asks with a half amused half worried smile on his face “ahh yes, Jesus Christ” I laugh again and wipe my face “out of all the things you could’ve said, I was not expecting that. How is that possible? You were The Song Mingi” emphasis on his name because he was it, everyone wanted him. “Not that you don’t know already but I really wasn’t all that. I always had trouble knowing if people just liked me because of my families status. Until you, I knew you were different straight away” he says and looks at me and I can feel it that what he’s saying is genuine. 

He clears his throat, embarrassed “I’m glad you two finally found your way too each other, you deserve to be happy” he says looking at Seongie and I “anyway, Yunho is waiting and I’ve taken enough time of yours already. Thank you for meeting me Hongjoong. I hope this wasn’t too much and I’m not looking to be forgiven…” “I forgive you” I say and he stops short, staring “I’m so happy right now, I have no room in my life for old hate. Thank you for coming to talk today and you deserve to be happy too” I say and I can see Seonghwa looking down at me with a proud look “Hongjoong.. I” Mingi starts but I shake my head “just take it Mingi, don’t think too much about it, let’s just both go live the rest of our lives happy okay?”

“I’m going to absolutely ruin you” Seonghwa growls, lifts me up like I weigh fucking nothing and throws me on the bed and I don’t think I’ve ever been more turned on “my fucking walking, talking wet dream” he pounces on me and I’m shocked into silence. “Do you know how proud I am of you?” He says but my brain short circuits as he slowly licks up my neck “huh? Do you?” He asks again and the best I can come up with is a mewl “standing there so fucking brave. I love you so much” he bites at my ear roughly and I arch into his body, a dreadful noise coming from me. 

Something has taken over Seonghwa and I’m totally here for it. “Get up, get this off” he pulls desperately at my shirt and I rip the thing off, his mouth latches onto my nipples and my back arches of the bed. I bury my hands in his hair and pull “I love you” I sigh as he moves to the second nipple “I love you so much” he slithers back up my body and kisses the fuck out of me. It’s dirty and messy and his hands frantically work at the buttons of my jeans, I gasp into his mouth when he fists my length through the thin layer of my underwear “you’re killing me” I say panting and he just looks at me, his eyes feral and his hand slips under and my entire body jolts. 

He moves his fist up and down antagonising slow and I lick my dry lips, his eyes follow the movement and his eyes go impossibly darker. His thumb caresses over the slit, spreading pre come down my cock and I’m going to fucking lose it. “Don’t come” he whispers and sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, licking at it. “My baby” he whispers, hot breath hitting my mouth and I squeeze my eyes shut but they pop back open when he releases me “you gonna let hyung ride you?” He says and I lose a breath. I follow his quick movements as he reaches for the lube and “no condom” I say and he freezes “are you sure?” I nod and he slicks up his fingers and then reaches for mine “open hyung up real good for you baby” he pours a generous amount on my hand and like it’s magnetic, my hand finds his tight ass. I spread some lube around the rim and he tenses at the coolness “Shh, let me take care of you baby” I whisper and he looks up at me with the trust of the world in his eyes, I slowly add one finger and he easily accepts it “my good boy, another one?” I ask, gently messaging and Seonghwa’s mouth pops open “more, I need more” I add a second finger and he’s tight “move Joong” he pushes out, hips rutting in search of friction “my impatient boy” I tease, scissoring my fingers and he gasps “yes” his hand snakes up around my neck and he pulls me down to his lips “you want more baby boy?” I ask nipping are his lips and he nods frantically. 

Three fingers seated and I give him a minute to adjust and I smile when I feel him rolling his hips. I slowly pull my fingers out, heart exploding with the sound of Seonghwa’s whine only for it to be transformed to a gasp when I push all three back in, curling them. His body comes of the bed as they hit his prostate “yes Joong, right there” he pushes his hips in time with my thrusts and in no time he almost completely coming undone on my fingers “you, I need you” he breathes out and I caress his beautiful face, I need you too. I grab the lube and slick up my length “I thought you wanted to ride me?” I say teasingly as I position the head of my cock at his rim “hmm?” I push only the tip in, waiting for his answer. His sweated forehead, already looking so beautifully fucked out “fuck me already Joong” he whines and I think I want to hear that forever. 

I push in with one movement, our skin flushed and he arches his back. I pull almost entirely out before ramming back in, Seonghwa gasps. He reaches for my shoulder, my neck, anything he can hold onto as I rail into him. “Fuck.. fuck, yes.. more” he babbles and I grunt. Sheen of sweat covering both our bodies, the noises coming from both Seongie and I along with the sound of skin slapping bouncing around the four walls. Seonghwa looks up at me and I know, even right here in this moment that this is it, Seonghwa is my forever. I kiss him with everything I am, accelerating my pace and he takes everything I give him, his hips meet mine every single time. Our bodies coming together harmoniously “I’m going to come, ruin me” he growls and I go wild, my hips snap and he throws his head back in euphoria, I fist his heavy cock, one thrust, two and he comes undone. The sounds emanating from him right now alone is enough to send me over the edge. 

I run my index finger through the spurt of come on his stomach, Seonghwa watches with a flushed face as I bring that very finger to my mouth, sucking it clean “fucking hell” he whispers and a feral smile forms on my face, my hips still drilling into him “you dirty bastard” he says but I see the way his cock jumps even though I just milked it “hmm, you don’t like?” I do it again just to watch him squirm “you still wanna ride?” I ask and there’s fire in his eyes. He pushes me onto the bed so fast my head swims. He lowers himself on to my cock in one movement and I stop breathing, my hands plant themselves on his tiny waist as he adjusts. His head thrown back, looking so fucking gorgeous I might just bust a nut right now. “I need you to move baby, move right now” I grind out and he looks down at me with a sinful smile, he’s fully seated and he starts grinding his hips. I lay back and take in this magnificent show, his muscles moving and constricting on every movement, his cock already hard again flushed, sitting against his stomach. A small giggle comes from his mouth and my heart explode, he places both of his hands on my chest before dragging his nails down my torso, the absolute filthy look he gives me when he feels my cock jump inside him has me howling. Seonghwa lifts himself up before slamming himself down, my body comes of the bed and my hand takes in his length “I’m gonna come, are you going to too baby, I know you have one more in you” i lazily first his cock and he moans, bouncing on mine with all he has, my back tingles and I can feel the sweat dripping down my face. “Yes baby.. fuck” I growl and he rails himself into my one more time and I snap my wrist, both of us reaching euphoria at the same time. He rolls his hips though my orgasm taking everything before falling onto my chest completely spent.

We lay there silent for a minute, the only sounds in the room now are our laboured breaths. My hands draw little animals on his back and I can feel Seonghwa smile on my chest. He moves his head so his chin is resting on my chest and he looks into my eyes, I ever so gently move the wet pieces of hair off his face and he presses into my palm. His gives me his sweetest eyes as he turns to kiss my hand and I’m once again struck at how in love I am with this man “marry me” Seonghwa freezes, his head moves slowly as he turns back to face me “what?” He asks as if he didn’t hear me properly “you heard me, I felt your heart just now” I run my fingers down his face “Park Seonghwa, will you marry me?” I ask again and he grabs my face with both of his hands “yes, yes oh my god. Yes”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awmahgod, I’m in love with love.  
Last chapter coming in hot, I can’t believe it’s coming to an end. I’m sad  
As always, comments and kudos super appreciated 🖤🖤🖤


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, thanks to everyone for reading. Signing off on my first ever fan fic. Sorry I took so long to finish it, could never find the right words to end it.

“ I do”  
My eyes find Seonghwa’s and even in the middle of everything going on around us, in one of the most important times, the only thing, the only damn thing I see is him. His eyes glaze over and my heart fills with absolute love when my eyes lowers to his lips and I listen to what he silently says. “I love you” he winks and looks away while I’m virtually a puddle on the floor.  
“And Choi San, do you take Jung Wooyung…” “I do” San finishes before the pastor even finishes his sentence. I laugh silently but eye my best friend. He’s so happy, his sparkling eyes and shaking hands. He fumbles with the rings I give him but hastily puts them on Woos finger. The pastors voice drowns out and my body buzzes with pure love, my eyes scan the small room of people, love radiating off every single one of them. Wooyung’s family has tears running down their faces and all of our friends, Yeosang stands beside his brother looking so damn proud. My eyes inevitably find Seonghwa’s just as one tear rolls from his eye “husband and husband” San doesn’t wait any longer before embracing his husband and that’s when I notice my own tears.  
It’s been two months since I asked Seonghwa to marry me and everyday I still get a shock when I see the simple silver bands on our fingers, two temporary little rings that holds so much promise. My heart fills and I often think back to when I asked him. It wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did, I didn’t even have a plan to propose. Of course I’ve thought about it but I didn’t mean for it too happen, I was so tired of waiting and it just kind of slipped out of my mouth. He said yes and that’s all the matters and now we got to watch our best friend marry the man of his dreams and I feel like my life could not get any better. 

“I don’t want to go home” Seonghwa collapses on our bed, his tired eyes dropping and I caress his beautiful face. I look out the window of our hotel and see the ridiculous view of Hawaii and sigh “me neither baby”. It had been an amazing week just full of laughter, happiness and most of all, love. I look down to find Seonghwa staring at me so intently my skin tingles and my heart races, will there ever come a day where I don’t feel like this just at the sight of him? I hope not. “I love you” he says and my lip wobbles “I love you too” I straddle his hips and just rest my head above his heart, it’s racing too. “I can’t believe San is married” I whisper as he traces his finger down my back “I’m so happy Seonghwa” my eyes fill and I feel stupid but I can’t help it “I’m so glad he found Woo, San deserves the world” I nod, wholeheartedly agreeing with Seonghwa “you deserve the world too Joong and I’m going to work my hardest to try and give it to you” he says and I look too him, his eyes shining and I know that the words he just spoke? He meant with his whole heart, I wiggle up to him and take his face in my hands “you, Park Seonghwa are my whole world” his eyes glaze over and we stare at each other for what feels like eternity before he sits up bringing me with him on his lap. His hands around my neck he kisses me with the love of a thousand men and I feel everything, every unspoken word, every promise, every heartbreak, years of friendship, I feel it all. I gently lick into his mouth, deepening the kiss grinding my hips into his. Our moans fill the room and it all becomes too much, I pull back and place my head on his shoulder, my body shakes in his arms and he tightens them around my back, we become one “I happen to think it’s the other way around Kim Hongjoong. Thank you for being my person” he whispers into my ear and silent sobs wrack my body my arms wrap around his neck and I push my face further into him “Shh baby, I’ve got you”

We’re laying side by side hands joined and Seonghwa’s thumb brushing over my knuckles and I think I have never been more content but then there’s a knock at our door “Joong hyung” a frantic San shouts on the other side of the door and I get up so fast my head spins, I open the door and my stomach drops at Sans face “what’s happened? Where’s Woo? Yeosang?” I ask frantically “Hyung” he says and I feel Seongie behind me “you left your phone at the hall, reception just bought it to me. Hyungie, it’s your Father” 

I’m sat in my car in the hospital car park, my legs just won’t work. It’s bad, really bad and I know that but I still can’t do it. “Baby, look at me” my head turns automatically and I hate Seonghwa’s face when it’s sad, I never want to see his sad face. “Kim Hongjoong, you need to take a deep breath and then we are going to get out of this car and walk into that hospital, together. I will be there every step of the way” I feel myself nod but I’m floating. 

Somehow I make it into the hospital, Seonghwa finds out where he is and I walk on autopilot. A million things running through my head, after all this time he just gets to die on me? I’m a mess walking down the hallways that never seem to end, clutching Seonghwa’s hand for dear life. Everything becomes so clear when I see my brother and sister, Jihyun holding a sobbing Hyejin in his arms and I just run to them. I take Hyejin into my arms “Joongie” she cries and I just hold onto her. I pull Jihyun into our embrace and I just cry, I cry for my father for the first time since he left me. We stand there for so long, just pulling strength from each other “what happened?” I ask and Jihyun sniffs “drunk driver, ran a red light and straight into their car” he says. Seonghwa takes my hand and he asks Jihyun “where’s your Mom?” Hyejin jerks in my arms and I watch a tear fall from my brothers eyes “oh my god” I whisper and kiss the top of Hyejin’s head and she shakes “I’m so sorry” I say and hard sobs hit her, she pushes her face into my chest and I look over to Seongie and he’s got a hold of Jihyun. I squeeze my eyes shut and gently rock my little sister, I don’t even tell her it’s going to be okay because these kids just lost their Mother and by the sounds of it, their father too. 

“Kim Hongjoong” both Hyejin and I startle when a doctor calls my name “We did everything we could” he says and every single piece of me stilled, blood rushing to my ears “your father has a long road ahead of him, he is in a very critical condition. He’s being prepped for another surgery right now” I stare at the doctor barely hearing a word coming out of his mouth. Dad’s not dead but he’s not okay, Hyejin looks up at me and then looks to the doctor “he’s going to live though right? He has to live” she cries “the next 48 hours are crucial for your father and even if everything goes one hundred percent it’s going to be a long recovery. Excuse me” he gives us one last hopeful look before retreating down the hallway “Joong” I look down to where Hyejin is still in my arms “Shh, we’ll get through this. Your father.. Dad will get through this” I say and Jihyun and Seonghwa come over. Seonghwa stands behind me, enveloping me and I’m so grateful because right now my legs almost give way. 

“Hyejin, you’ve got three minutes to get your ass out of that bed before I lose my absolute shit” I scream from her doorway and she just lazily yawns up at me “okay, okay damn. I’m up” she screams back at me and I just walk away “you’re going to be a sister down JiHyun I swear to god” I yell at him too, the poor kid just stares back at me with a piece of toast in his mouth “don’t yell at me Hyung” I roll my eyes “you’re lucky it only took me three times to get you out of bed. You’re improving” I ruffle his hair and he whines. 

Seonghwa walks out of the bedroom smiling amidst all of the yelling “if you value your life Park Seonghwa, I’d take that smile off and go an get that kid out of bed” I point to Hyejin’s bedroom. Seonghwa’s smile only gets bigger and goddamn it’s fucking beautiful “good morning to you to baby” he whispers and presses his lips against mine “that’s not going to work Seonghwa Hyung, he’s mad mad today” Jihyun says from the table but obviously he underestimated Seonghwa because with just one look and a crooked finger under my chin I’m absolutely putty in his hand “morning baby” I breathe out staring into his eyes. Seonghwa turns around and winks at a disbelieving Jihyun and goes towards Hyejin’s room “you are such a sucker” he says with a fondness disgust “shut up, you’ll understand one day” I say and the both of us turn our heads as Hyejin walks into the kitchen followed by a smug looking Seonghwa “I hate you” I mouth to him. 

“Good morning beautiful, thank you for gracing us with your presence. Do you want some breakfast?” She nods and saddles up closely to me and I just wrap my arms around her. It was a no brainer that the two of them move in after the accident, it’s been over four months already and a lot has changed in my life, a hell of a lot. Dad had further complications but he seems to be getting better with every day, there is no end in sight for his recovery at this point but he’s alive. Hyejin rubs her face over my chest and I smile down at her, out of the two of them Hyejin took it the hardest so she has been extra clingy and extra moody. Jihyun is stubborn but I see how much he still struggles “well then you better make some then huh” I say and kiss her forehead before standing up “Joong” she whines and I laugh grabbing Seonghwa’s hand “I’m going to check on Dad today, be good at school. Jihyun I better see that report this afternoon or I’ll whoop your ass. Okay love you my little sunshine’s” I blow them kisses and just before the door closes I see their smiles. 

I don’t even take a step before I’m pushed up against the door and Seonghwa has his hands over my body, his mouth on mine. I gasp into his mouth and he takes the chance and runs with it. He releases me and rests his forehead on mine “I’m never going to get over how fucking hot Dad Hongjoong is. I wanna rip these clothes off of you right now” he growls in my ear, hands curled around my shirt and I shake “you’re so lucky we’re the only ones who live on this floor” I whisper wrapping a leg around his waist to yank him forward, he startles and I grab hold of his tie “you like me when I’m screaming huh? Imagine when we have a couple of our own kids running around, just you wait then” I lick up his jaw and press a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Seonghwa leans back and I realise what I just said, we’ve never really spoken about kids before. Our relationship went full throttle so fast and now we have two teenagers in our care, when he doesn’t say anything my heart stalls. That is until he grabs me under the ass and lifts me up “I can’t wait” he growls kissing me like it’s our last. 

I’m always so nervous walking into the hospital, it took me almost a month before I worked up the courage to go. He had no life left in his eyes and that first time I saw him, nothing else mattered at the moment because when he saw me, something changed in him. He started making progress, started talking and eating better and laughed at Hyejin’s stupid jokes. I don’t forgive him, not yet, nothing can make me forget the years of hurt caused by him but each day it just becomes a little less. 

Seonghwa squeezes my hand and I smile, he’s the reason why too. I’m so happy that I don’t have any place in my heart for anger, it’s just too full “I love you, you know?” I say and he smiles that smile, the one where I just want to cry “I do know, as a matter of a fact. I love you too, you know?” He says back smiling and the sun shines down at the moment when we’re walking into the hospital just at the right time, to hit our swinging hands and the silver of our wedding bands shine so brightly. I don’t have to wait a lifetime anymore. I’m so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is. Thank you again to everyone who read it. I hope I did every character in this justice. 🖤🖤  
Please leave a kudos and a comment, see you around next time


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